This is my job... Sadly... Yes, this is my daily grind...

Just like George, I want you all to take a deep, intimate look into what I do on a daily basis, and why, at the end of the day, I feel it necessary to take it all out on you...

I usually show up to work just at the minute I'm supposed to be already up and running and I usually throw out the "there was a train" or "a plane landed on 129 and I just had to reassure myself that everyone on the flight was ok" excuse... Then I usually walk back to my vault filled with an amount of cash that really isn't much at all, but is still more than I have in my account. Then I usually do my atm processing which is my favorite customer of the day, because A.) it doesn't actually talk and B.) it is smarter than my regular customers (yes, all of them, combined). Then I usually get the "we're 80 million credit cards short of our goal this month, so lets get 10 today," as if that's going to make a dent in our deficit. At this point, I usually reply, "ehhhh, I'm not really feeling that whole vibe today," which in turn I get a pat on the back and I continue processing my endless atm envelopes. By the time I finish this little doo-wop of a task that in reality, if I spent 20 minutes a day, 3 times a week training a chimp, he would have this down, and they could pay him in banana's, which I'm sure balances very closely to my hourly pay... So really, either way, the opportunity cost is nearly close to the same, but having a monkey at work would be much more fun than having me at times... I know this for a fact.

So it's 9 o' clock in the morning, the branch opens and the influx of people trying to save their accounts from mere destruction come bursting through the door thinking if they put the money in now, their account that was overdrawn last night at midnight will be ok... Knock Knock, who's there? YOU'RE WRONG!!! So after a few of those awesome, amazingly friendly customers, my real day of sitting here staring out at Cincinnati-Dayton Road traffic begins... I think on any given day, I see about 942 cars (margin of error of 10.3) pass by. Some are repeats, some are out of towners, some are just really, really ugly. I have created this game, with all of the time that I do have to do nothing, that I try to name all of the makes and models of the cars that drive by as fast as possible, and I have to say, I'm a force to be reckoned with. After this, I usually get a couple of customers that don't have any idea what banking even is, and it's very fun to deal with them. Hell, let me just give you a run-down of my several different types of customers:


The Repeat Overdrawer: (Chris Henry's as I call them) - This person should not have an account, and the only reason they do have an account, is because they probably don't have a mattress to put it under, so this was the next best option, thanks by the way, for making my days at work, filled with fun and excitement with helping you ALL MORNING!!! This person is overdrawn 8 days out of the week, then a week of a positive $2.31 and constant calling to the branch to ensure they didn't forgetably (not a word, I know) write a check and overdraw... Definitely a Darwin Award runner-up.
The Questionairre: (Regis' as I call them) - These people have the dumbest questions, about the dumbest topics, and they waste time of mine that I could be playing call a car. Lets just say that they come in to open an account, and all of a sudden, I am God and they want the path that their life is going to follow... Ummmm, excuse me, I'm going to have to cut you off, my ears are bleeding, and that's what consumer bankers are for, not tellers. Thanks, good day... I SAID GOOD DAY!!!
The "Why am I overdrawn" customer: (I call them idiots, because simply put, that's what they are) - They come in, huffing and puffing and talking about how they're going to take all of their money out of our bank and take it somewhere else because they're upset they're overdrawn and we're charging outrageous fee's to pay their items so they don't go to collections (sorry for doing you a favor)... I don't know if you know this, but you can't take negative balances to another bank, what is "taking all of your money" going to do? Are you proving a point to me? You are an idiot... Here's a typical conversation with this customer:
(Sorry, 98.6% of the time, it's a woman...)
Her: "I just don't understand why I'm overdrawn???"
Me: "Sure I can take a look... What's your account number?"
Her: "Like I know that..."
Me: "Wonderful, you are obviously on top of things, that's why you're in good standing with the bank..." Well, what's your social?
Her: "My what? What's my social? Middle to High class?
Me: "?????? WTF is this broad talking about? (long pause, deep breath) No mam, your social security number..."
Her: "Ohhhhhh, hahaha, I didn't know what you were talking about... It's 452... no... 659... no...
(after this goes on for another 10 minutes)
Her: "Ohhh, I can't remember...
Me: "Obviously... So let's try to look you up by your name..."
Her: "Susan Smith..."
(Note: This system we use, looks up every Susan Smith within our 8 state footprint...)
So after this 25 minute horror story, I finally find this woman in our system and begin to dissect her account as to yes, why she is overdrawn... Although, here's the key to the story that no one really knows...




YOU SPENT MONEY THAT YOU DIDN'T HAVE!!!!!!


So anyways, I have to, in a nice way, tell these people this, and it's best to approach it like their family member just died... Mam, we have some bad news, it looks like your excellent record keeping must have slipped up, that's why you're getting charged all of these fee's because we're paying this items, like your mortgage so you can live in your house, and your car payment, so you can drive to work, assuming you have a job... In which they usually reply "this is outrageous, these fee's are ridiculous, and I'm pulling my money out of this bank and going elsewhere, and telling all of my friends..."

My response: (in my head of course) imagine watching Home Alone, when Kevin puts on the after shave, yes, after shaving... It's at this point that I just want to stab myself in the throat, and bleed out in front of the customer so they know how I feel about their fee's...

This happens roughly 10 - 15 times a day. Occassionally they will call, and you have to do this situation over the phone, which is better for me, because I can cover the phone and mouth dirty words and they'll never know, and I like that, that's what makes me happy... Note that I said this is 10 - 15 times a day, A DAY!!!! That's an AVERAGE DAY... So next time when I come over after work, and I'm alittle on edge, and alittle short fused, you can have a general idea as to why... We'll See ya

-907,654,264 people just realized that their job sucks as much as mine does after reading this...