So as I sit here at work trying to think of something to write about that has recently pissed me off, it was no competition when I started to brainstorm ideas. Following a long weekend of either foodborne illness or stomach bug viruses, and spending most of my time hugging the toilet I realized it may partially be because of the stellar Bengals game (and by stellar, I mean horrible, and by Bengals game, I mean Cowboys game). Aside from whoever's game it was, I realized that another curse is upon us as movie critics and movie goers at the end of this great month... You know, this is supposed to be a month of scary, true horror stories, but no, instead we're in this never ending, cluster "expletive deleted" cyclone of the same boring message of a crappy movie, wrapped in a warm shell of boring, with just a dash of no flavor or substance at all... Thank you Lionsgate Films for producing such a filet of crap that for some reason, still pulls in money from all of the 8 - 10 year olds that get dropped off at Rave by their parents only to annoy me and piss me off as I'm trying to enter the maze-like theatre of over-testosteroned little boys that are so horny they would probably hump a basketball, because that's the best shot they have of getting a shot off... But that's neither here nor there...
Getting back to the story, if you are one of the lucky one's out there that is yet to see this hour and some time of crap filled mumbo jumbo, then I praise thee, but for some reason, I have been clowned into seeing 2 of these by girls that are looking to get "scared..." Sorry, doesn't work for me... When they were looking for "oooohhhhhs" and "aaaggghhhhs" and all that crap girls do in the theatre's, all they got from me was "zzzzZZZZzzzz," and yes, my snores do get louder, ask my past girlfriends, they'll inform you... Let's just look at some of the aspects of the movie shall we?
Google up Moral of Saw Movie, this is what you'll find:
"Jigsaw, a psychotic serial killer, continues his wave of terror. As his criminal-types turned victims make their way through a series of puzzles (of Jigsaw's design) to determine their "worth," each understands that his or her life is at stake. This movie shows a man being burned alive, and a woman is thrown into a pit filled with hypodermic needles. The language is very bad with the f-word used frequently..."
Now, don't quote me, this is not what I'm saying, because anyone dying these ways is cool, and the F-word in any movie is awesome by any means, but in all honestly, that's not the best way to describe it... Basically, a terminally ill man feels that people that don't appreciate their life, don't deserve it, so in a sense, he puts them in life threatening, near death experiences to see if they're willing enough to fight for their life, in which most don't, and they eventually all die... That's it... Sorry to ruin all 150 Saw movies for you, but that's what it comes down to.
Basically, with the picture above, this is what I feel like doing to myself everytime I'm dragged against my will to go see these crappy attempts at film-making... Maybe they should mix it up a bit, and maybe not have anyone die, that would really throw everyone in a loop... Also, for a terminally ill cancer patient, he's really survived quite a long time, and somehow, someway, he continues to live on, although he might have died by now, but I'm sure, for Lionsgate's sake he's still holding on, you know, without medical assistance or anything of that nature. but maybe they should make a movie about how he cures terminal cancer, and saves the people that do deserve to live, and make a positive movie and really throw people off... Maybe for Christmas time or something... Either way, this movie is lover over-DONE, and I hope it dies out soon... No pun intended... We'll See Ya
-2,547,321 people are going to see-saw, and the others are going to go see the movie saw IV when it comes out after reading this...
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