Without Him, Who Do We Have...???

Recently, some mistakes I've made in my life have made this song more meaningful to me, and although I don't usually take rap music for more than what it is, DMX has a song that reminds me of what I'm going through inside... (The parenthesis represent God's voice)

Please give me the strength I need to live...
Bear with me...
Amen...
We each walk the path, that we've chosen...



I'm ready to meet him
Where I'm living ain't right
Black hate white
White hate black
It's right back
To the same fight
They got us suspecting a war
But the real war is to follow the law of the lord
Lord, you left me stranded
And I don't know why
Told me to live my life
Now I'm ready to die
Ready to fly I cry, but I shed no tears
You told me you would dead those fears, it's been years
Snakes still coming at me
Just missing
Sometimes I think all you doing me is just listen
I thought that I was special
Thats what you told me
Hold me
Stop acting like you don't know me



What'd I do so bad that it sent you away from me
Not only sent you away, but made you stay away from me
(My child I'm here, as I've always been, it was you who went away, And now are back again, what did I say?)
Follow your word, and be true
(What did you do?)
Well, what I wanted to do...
(What have you seen?)
Darkness and hell at a glance
(What do you want?)
All I want is another chance



(Just because you went away, my doors are not locked, wanna come back home, all you gotta do is knock)
Ya see, I left home a boy, I returned as a man Full grown, and I'm still not able to stand
(I gave you a hand)
Well...but I was looking the wrong way
Figured out the plan, then I started to pray
And that prayer, took me from here to over there
Back to over here
Now they got me like where?
Do I belong?
Do I fit in?
Things on my mind, where do I begin?
It's easier to sin, but it hurts my heart
I'm really tryin' to win, so where do we start?
(Thou shall not steal)
But, what if he stole from me?
(Thou shall not kill)
But what if he's tryin' to kill me?
(Thou shall not, take my, name in vain, no matter how hard it rains, withstand the pain)



Our father, who art in heaven
I'm not ashamed to ask for guidance, at 27
No longer afraid to knock on your door
Not scared anymore to lose my life in the war
After what I just saw, I'm ridin' with the lord
Cause I really can't afford to lose my head by the sword
And now that I've seen, what I need to see
Please take me, where I need to be
(What have you learned?)
It's better to tell the truth than to lie
(What have you learned?)
To love my life until I die
(What have you learned?)
Violence isn't always the key
(What have you learned?)
You can't always believe what you see
(What have you learned?)
It's better to forgive and forget
(What have you learned?)
Give as you expect to get
(What have you learned?)
That I can't go on without you
(What have you learned?)
I must have been a fool to ever doubt you...



I must say, it's a powerful song, that seems very true to life, especially for me... It seems that upon the occurrence of events, not only have I let myself down, and my friends and family, but along the way, I have forgotten what it means to let the Lord down. I have lost faith in the things that have founded what I was, and what I've become... I lost my vision of becoming a better person, and in turn, left everyone in the dust. I feel like I'm on a quest by myself, where in I've left everyone behind. "No journey is best left to oneself, even the journey to learn of what oneself is capable of..." There's no way that I can learn what I am capable of by myself. I have always been left to my own devices, to turn to myself for answers, and I've always felt that I've had the answers, but this time, I'm clueless, and within this time, I have lost someone that I truly cared about, lost my sense of faith in God, and at the same time, lost myself... I turned back to old methods, bottling up my fears and anguish, instead of talking to those that care about me, and would do anything for me... Which abruptly lead to those not believing in me, and therefore not wanting to help me...



I understand that it's merciless to keep all of this bottled up inside, but after 25 years of the same methods, it's hard to change, and it only leads to self destruction, which leads me to the very shoes I stand in today... I've once again single-handily demolished something that I tried to hold so deep, because of fear... A fear of myself, a fear to let myself out, a fear to open up, etc... Within the turmoil, I lost something highly important to me due to some inept fear of putting all of myself out there for one person to see, and that lead to my very own demise... What's so wrong with me that I can't put myself out there? Fear of being rejected? Fear of someone walking away? Fear of crying and showing weakness? Whatever it is, the only person that can help me conquer this is myself, with the help of God. God doesn't judge those that strongly believe in his faith. Maybe I have lost faith in myself, and God... The feeling of being at the bottom of the well without a rope to pull myself out, and yelling but not being heard. The feeling of being stranded in the middle of the desert being surrounded by nothing but dry, desert air... I know it takes time to put all of you out there, especially when you've been through so much pain in life, but in my own pain, I've caused pain to another, which makes me no better of a person than I was in the past, and is that truly fair to anyone else? No...



My faith in God is restored, and all that I had to do was take responsibility for what I did. I have to follow my word, and be able to open my own light, and give others to right to shine as well... I'm reminded of a quote by Marianne Williamson:


"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so? You are a child of God, small games do not work in this world. For those around us to feel peace, it is not example to make ourselves small. We were born to express the glory of god that lives in us. It is not in some of us, it is in all of us. While we allow our light to shine, we unconsciously give permission for others to do the same. When we liberate ourselves from our own fears, simply our presence may liberate others."



In turn, I would like to justly apologize to those I have hurt, and ask for your forgiveness in the hope that you will also fight against the inner demons that may one day hold you back from doing the right thing... I would also like to thank those that have been there for me, and continue to be there for me through thick and thin, and may God bless you and yours in the way that he has truly blessed me... Remember, all journeys in life are too large to adventure out on by yourself, make sure you take the best luggage, and that is friends and faith... Always smile, because they're contagious, and it's the best disease to spread... You can always correct a mistake, as long as you own up to it... Lastly, don't be afraid to put all of yourself out there, because you never know who may take an interest in what you have to think or say...


We'll see ya...