Thursday, February 26, 2009

Cincinnati Must Have This? Really? I Could Think Of A Couple Things We Need Before That...






So once again, us Cincinnatians are faced with a dilemma thanks to our fearless leader... In a State of the City address last night at the Duke Energy Convention Center, our leader (if you will call him that) made sure that the people that actually came to this event knew that Cincinnati had to have one thing if it wanted to move forward... More Police patrols you may ask? No, not more of that, who needs more police when you have such a safe city (I'll come back to this, trust me...) Maybe cleaner streets? What, are you kidding me? Why cleaner streets, that would attract people, and Cincinnati doesn't want to do that... Ahhhh, I know Hoopes, more restaurants and shops? Ha! Riiiiight... Read previous statement... Sorry guys, you all guessed wrong... The correct answer, as to what Cincinnati REALLY needs to prosper as a city is STREETCARS! That's right! But not just any streetcar system, a $60 million dollar streetcar system... Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but Cincinnati is cutting it's police force due to a lack of funds from the state and federal government... Hmmmm, do I see a problem here???






This proposed "streetcar" system would have been a good idea had it been the one that was previously proposed in 1884 that ran underground and reached out to farther areas north and south of Cincinnati! A streetcar and a subway system differ greatly however, with the whole what distance they travel, funds to build, costs, etc... But a Subway system that's already partially built and completed makes a lot more sense... That, however, is not even my biggest problem with Mallory's proposed streetcar system... My biggest problem with it is the location and distance it travels. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure in the 18 - early 1900's OTR (Over the Rhine) was a beautiful artsy district, but in case you haven't been there lately, here's an idea of what it's like...





As you can see from my beautiful paint program rendering of OTR present day, it's obviously not a place you would EVER want to be, especially if you're a non-gang affiliated white person with more than $8 dollars in your pocket... Why in God's name would you want to take a streetcar of all things through this district? However, after some research, I found that they are trying to push through a plan to "spruce up" more or less, OTR as a whole... This is their idea, not as good of an artist rendering, but you get the idea:



Now, as you can see, that looks "generally" like a nice area! Now scroll back up to present day, and back down to the future... Do you really think there's a snowball's chance in hell that ANYONE, yes, ANYONE, let me emphasize ANYONE could make that happen, even over a 30 - 50 year period? Not even that jackass on A&E on Saturdays that buys P.O.S. houses and fixes them up in 2 days or some crap like that could hire a team to do this job... There's a thing called Opportunity Cost that you will frequently see me use throughout my blogs, and that's an economic term. It means "what you lose by choosing one thing, over another..." This in turn directly relates to what we're losing, lots of money on a lost cause, as to what we're gaining, money wasted on something we'll still never use... Therefore, the common denominator here is the fact that either way, we lose (waste) money by putting it into this crappy part of town that already is filled to the brim with crappiness... i.e. (Paul Brown Stadium - Bengals, UC - enough said, Great American Ball Park - Reds, etc...) Therefore, by building a streetcar system through OTR, not only are we wasting funds that we could use just to make that area safer, but we could also, over time, yes, this can't happen over night, but over time build up the area slowly once we get the place a little cleaned up!

I find it quite amusing that our mayor, Superman Mallory can only focus wasting all this money on this stupid system so that Cincinnati "can finally move forward!" I kid you not, this is exactly what he said to these people:

“Partner with the police department to keep our communities safe. Get involved in your community council. Take measures to be more energy efficient. … Mentor a child. Come downtown and hang out. Recycle more. Use mass transit. And whatever you do, brag about the greatness of Cincinnati everywhere you go. “You decide what it is, but be a partner in some effort to positively change Cincinnati.”

Translation: "Snitch on people that we can't throw in jail because it's too crowded, don't bother me with your out of city problems, turn off your lights when not using them so I get mo' money, tutor a child so one less CPS teacher gets in trouble, recycle so crackheads don't get $.05 cents a can to get crack, use buses so I get mo' money, and brag about a city you obviously don't want to be in reflected in the census that everybody's leaving!"

Just give it to us straight Mallory! Hire more police, clean up the crap town, build a jail, lock up criminals, open a subway system from West Chester, Dayton, etc, and maybe you'll attract us out of city limit people down there to bring some money in, but until then, it's too unsafe, costs too much to park, and you don't have a damn professional sports team that could beat a High School team around here... Think about things before you propose them, and get a council that cares for it's people and not about getting money! You're just a black Mike Brown! You just want money and don't want to perform or bring change! Until you figure out and ask the people what they really want, you'll never be successful... I've got a census for you that you may remember pretty well, but are trying to forget:

Cincinnati, Ohio is #18 of 371 cities that is the Most Dangerous! For Christ sake, we're right behind ATLANTA, GEORGIA!!! Not to mention that, but 3, yes 3 of Ohio's top known cities made the top 25 countdown of Most Dangerous Cities! That is the most of any one state on the list! Actually, Cali has 5 cities that made the list, but the size compared to Ohio is almost 4 times, or at least 3... However again, 4 of the cities of Cali are still lower than Cincinnati! Of all countdowns to be on, Cincinnati made this one! Therefore, don't you think instead of bitching about closing down jails and letting prisoners back onto the street, it'd be a smarter idea to build another, better one that houses more since we obviously have a problem here? Do I have to run for mayor? Hmmmmm, this brings up an interesting point... We'll See Ya!

4,501 people say that they will vote for me for mayor of Cincinnati if/when I run after reading this blog!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Random Things That I've Recently Found Interesting And Hilarious... Or Both...

Accordingly, I know that I usually start with a picture to give you an idea of what I'm about to talk (bitch) about, but this time, it wasn't necessary, therefore, I plan to use pictures throughout to give you an idea... I'm going to start with the funniest of funny (as to what I know) and move and get less funny... Just because I can...



I'm going to show you 2 of the exact same pictures, and you try to tell me if you can find the difference:









I had to think... My first thought at making fun of this picture, because this is what I think every time that I see Michael Strahan, is why is Michael Strahan advertising for Milk? Can't they find more appropriate "celebrities" to advertise for Milk? I mean, maybe a really hot swimsuit model, or some body that probably drinks a lot of milk or something like that... But after I got to thinking really, really hard about it, I thought of a great advertisement for Michael Strahan to be in:




Is he a shew-in for GAP clothing or what? I mean come on, there's plenty of other people that they could choose, I know, but the hidden meaning would DEFINITELY make him perfect for this company! That and the fact that he's FAR to incompetent in thought to EVER figure out that we were actually making fun of him, at his expense at that. Sorry Mike, but you make more money than you'll ever need, and you'll get to keep that money if you stop beating up on women you roid' popping gargantuan, but get some dental work done. I know that any dentist can help you with this, I've seen some pretty severe cases on TV, and trust me, they can fix that, and now that you're done with football, I hope for EVERYONE's sake that watches NFL on FOX that you'll consider this out-patient treatment...



Next, I've come to another conclusion. Superman is not a fictional character, but he is one among us, and hot off the press, I know his true identity! At the mercy of people asking me not to expose him, the pay offs were not NEAR what I was asking for, so I decided to take it upon myself to unveil Superman's photo to you! Here he is (and you won't find this in any paper yet, because I haven't gone public) THE REAL SUPERMAN!!!:







This, ladies and gentlemen, is a picture of Superman, or Captain Chesley B Sullenberger, as he goes by during his every day life! As you can see, we caught him out of his blue and red (too tight) outfit, but you can still see that he has been unveiled! This man truly is out there protecting the world from Terrorism! On January 15th, 2009 Captain Chesley B Sullenberger was matched up against one of the airways most dangerous terrorists, and we have an exclusive picture of the two suicide dive bombers responsible! Only at rhoopes.blogspot.com can you catch these kinds of photos before they're leaked to the major league papers!







On the morning of January 15th, 2009, Captain Chesley B Sullenberger or Superman as I'm going to refer to him as saved his on board passengers from near death as he landed the plane that he was flying at the time in the Hudson River. There is no doubt, they say, that they would have died without the flying abilities of Superman. Now, don't get me wrong, but wasn't this guy just doing what he was trained to do? Do you see a news crew on their knee's bowing to me every time I refund an overdraft fee, or make a deposit to someone's account, because that's what I'm trained to do??? Yes, I'm glad that everyone made it, and is alive, but don't we think it's about time to give this guy a break? He obviously doesn't want all of the media attention that he's getting because when given a parade and day of praise in his hometown, he gave a press conference that was built up more than Obama's Inauguration day conference, and all he said was "I'm just glad I was able to do what I did, and save their lives!" Wow, all that hour build up for that? I mean really, give the guy a break, this was a freak accident, and he did what he was trained to do in that situation... Thank God, Thank Superman, let's move on... Dead horse was brought back to life to be beaten to death and repeat this over and over... Let it go...





Next, and my personal favorite, Obama. Today, Ken and I were shunned at work for talking politics, if that's even what you want to call it. I have a big problem with Obama, and Ken said it best, therefore I will quote him: "The guy acts like he's still campaigning, and what he really needs to do is be the President..." I mean, when you look at it, that's exactly what it is... This guy is basically a glorified John Kerry... However, my first problem stems with race. I personally was given the chance to look in-depth into Obama's life, and here's one interesting fact that I never knew about him:






HE'S BLACK!!!


Yes, ladies and gentlemen, a little known fact about Barack Obama, he's black... And if you listen to the news right now, you might hear something about this! I swear to everything that's holy, that if they mention it one more time, I'm going to kill myself before his crappy stimulus plan kills me! (that's fast in case you didn't know it!!!) What I find even funnier than that is the fact that they use this as some historical step in our history! First off, he's not black, his complexion is obviously, but he's mixed at best, and last I checked, everyone wants a purebred, not a mut! Second, his inexperience in positions like this are uncanny! I had a photo opportunity when I was recently in Washington, and caught our beloved new President on the job, hard at work:




I must say I was little impressed, because he was on the phone with Congress while they were busy reading over their copies of the stimulus plan they just passed, hopefully they don't read upside down like he talks! Ironically, I did find it a play on words and picture for that matter because he does just that... He must have a bad case of JohnKerryitus. It's where you contradict yourself during every speech you give to the American public, yes, the same stupid American public that voted you in... Let's take a look at some of these contradictions and rather hilarious statements you've made during the course of your short term thus far:

1.) Marking the anniversary of the March 1965 "Bloody Sunday" in Selma, Ala., Obama, speaking at a church, said his parents got together "because of what happened in Selma." Obama was born in 1961.

2.) Obama told Larry King on CNN -- asked about that anti-Hillary Rodham Clinton YouTube ad, a doctored version of a spot created for Apple computers -- "We don't have the technical capacity to create something like that."

3.) Obama, asked if homosexuality was immoral, in the wake of comments by Joint Chiefs of Staff chairman Gen. Peter Pace, sidestepped the question. After pressure from gay groups, Obama issued a statement stating he did not agree with Pace "that homosexuality is immoral."

4.) Another Obama stump line -- he said it again Tuesday morning to the Communications Workers of America here -- is that "I've been long enough in Washington to know that Washington needs to change." He is running against Washington yet his campaign is populated with political professionals who are Washington insiders.

5.) One of Obama's stump lines is that the biggest obstacle he fights is not any of his rivals, it is cynicism. He used a variation of it during a reception he hosted at a conference here sponsored by AIPAC, the American Israel Public Affairs Committee. Displaying a tin ear, Obama said that one of the enemies is not "just terrorists" or "just Hezbollah" or "just Hamas" -- "it's also cynicism."

6.) Bill Burton, an Obama spokesman, said in reaction to the Obama stumbles: "If there are people looking for a candidate running to be the darling of the Washington insider crowd, this campaign is not for them. We are encouraged by the growing, unflinching support of Americans who believe we can transform our country by changing our politics."

Interesting, I could have sworn that this wasn't what you said when you trying to get elected... It's so weird that you're saying all of this now, because it seems like all that you said was just to get voted in, and now you're just the democrats scapegoat! Good luck buddy! But let's not stray from the fact that Ken and I have been shunned from work about talking politics, and the people that shunned us were apparent "Obama supporters..." Lets see if they still support him while they're getting screwed by the very man they voted in... No wonder McCain seceded to Obama, he knew he was going to screw the American public, and he is going to get a good kick out of it, and no one is going to be able to fix the government in 4 - 8 years, so why not let it be our new historical leader right? Good choice McCain, we'll get them after this short lived 4 year term!

Anyways, that's all I've got for you guys today, just some irrelevant things I've noticed recently that I thought were funny... If you feel that some have been omitted, please let me know, and I will do my best to do an update piece! We'll See Ya!

4 people just realized that Obama really IS black... And are now wishing they hadn't voted...

Friday, February 20, 2009

Women Drivers: A Follow Up Story Of Failure...






So after one of my original posts, I had to do a follow up (especially after I fell witness to another great moment today while at lunch). So as I'm leaving hell to go grab some Wendy's for lunch (certainly the best part of my day) and while I leave the branch, I almost get side-swiped form some dumb broad pulling out of Burger King in yes, her boat... Far be it for me to keep driving on my legal trek when she has screaming kids, a cell phone conversation with something probably completely worthless and other than focused on driving abilities, and a GPS system that tells her to probably stop the car, take the keys out, and give them to a man... I kid you not, this was literally the car model that she was driving that ALMOST pulled out in front of me but due to my "manliness awareness" I was quickly able to defuse:












Now, don't get me wrong, as much as I enjoy a good mid-day crash in my compact, sporty Honda Civic coupe, today wasn't the day to be doing something of that nature... So after avoiding this minor sabotage by some dumb broad trying to multi-task yelling at her kids, talking on the phone, and organizing her 10 kids kids meals, I finally got to the main strip of road to get to Cin-Day road to fulfill my Wendy's needs (in case you were wondering, bacon and Cheddar baked potato and JBC plain: If you don't know what JBC is, you probably can't afford it) but as I pull up to the light on Cin-Day and Yankee to turn onto Cin-Day Road I am stopped by yet another obstacle as pesky as a woman driver, a red light... So at the red light, I'm behind a lady in a Jeep Grand Cherokee... As I'm waiting, I'm focused on the light and realize that there's a woman driving the Jeep, therefore, I decide to run alittle test on reaction time of this broad... Therefore, turn signal initiated, turn light turns green, and instead of acceleration, I get an arm reaching for the GPS in the PASSENGER side of her Jeep! ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE CAR! Upon that, the light has been green for 9 SECONDS before there's any sign of acceleration from her!!! 9 SECONDS!!! The light was yellow when I went through it!!! THEN! YES THEN!!! While turning, she stops while STILL FIXING HER GPS while TURNING! So after the full completion of turn, her GPS I'm sure tells her she's an idiot, and needs to be in the lane over, so instead of speeding up to get ahead of the other person, she stops... Yes my friends, STOPS and waits for the other cars not behind stupid drivers to get over... So as I almost get rear ended by a girl talking on the phone and smoking, I decide to give it hell and get out of the death trap that I was stuck in between... So after I pull these Indiana Jones like moves (the originals, not the new ones), I finally reach my destination of Wendy's... I order my food, and everything seems to be back to normal, and by normal, I mean male drivers, focused on one or two things (driving and thinking of what to eat). So on my way back to the branch, I incur no further problems, great I know! So I get back in the branch, eat my food, and decide with the remaining time I have left on my strict lunch hour clock before Satan calls and tells me to get back to hell, I decide to drive over to Kroger and get some snacks for the mid-day munchies (cheez-it's in case again, you were wondering and a Monster Khaos). Now note, Kroger is exactly less than a quarter mile away from my branch, hell it's probably 100 something feet, but still, it's cold and gives me an opportunity to take a smoke break and stay warm... So the drive over was fine, no broad's pulling out in front of me, etc... However, after I come out of Kroger and initiate the drive sequence, I'm bewildered by my next sight... A lady comes driving in in her Trailblazer, which is a boat for a woman, and cuts the angle too short, and by too short, I don't mean the rapper, I mean TOO SHORT! I mean, my car as small as it is, couldn't have made it and cut it that short, so obviously she's too distracted to know and/or do anything about it, and the next sound I hear is the screech of a Volkswagen SUV's paint meeting the paint of a Trailblazer... Now, this wasn't one of this inopportune "whoops," this I could put into the category of "I'm a horse's ass and wasn't paying attention..." So upon seeing this, I had to laugh, because I am going to include a diagram of where this dumb, impatient lady could have parked and saved herself a trip to the detail shop and insurance company:





As you will see in this diagram, how many open spots that she passed in order to get 2 spots closer to Kroger... Now you have to ask yourself, within the opportunity cost guidelines, is the spot that's closer, worth a new front fender, well according to her statistical answer, yes... Therefore, with my knowledge of car wrecks and such, this spot cost her approximately $500 - $700... Now, my spot, cost me $0. I know, being a guy, that $0 is much better to pay than $500 - $700 when you're talking about paying for a parking spot, and that's not just me being cheap, that's me being, how should I put this kindly, SMART! So after wiping my tears of hilarious laughter, I lit my cigarette and was on my way back to work, praying to the God of traffic law abiders that nothing happened to my car between the parking lot and my work parking lot... Just to kill the suspense now, no, nothing happened, AMEN! However, this is just one 30 minute block of my day, and to most, that's a lot of action in just 30 minutes... Now, because I really don't want to end this blog just yet, I'm going to show you just why women are worse at this whole thing called driving than men are...




Lets just take a quick look at the difference in thoughts between men and women, first we will examine Women:




As you can see, that while driving, she has many different thoughts about stuff that has NOTHING TO DO with focusing on driving AT ALL, and DRIVING ITSELF is not one of the things that she is thinking about... This is very common among women, but if you look at a man:



As you can see, Driving is the main focus, while in the peripheral, he has women and beer on the brain, highly typical of the male species... Now I want to make sure that it is noted that this does not include all women by any means, there's a lot of women that are very skilled at maneuvering their boats, but I'm in full favor of all women having to get a commercial driver's license in order to operate an SUV legally among society. This would cut down on the accidents and "whoops" that seem to occur on an every day basis. I hope this points some insight into the world of women and driving, and gives you some points on what to expect, and what to look out for when driving. We'll See Ya!

8,504,203 males found this information to be correct, and 8,504,202 males only said it was wrong because their girlfriends asked what they thought of it, but I stand alone because I'm a witness to it!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Young Jeezy: Professional Rapper or Dr. Suess??? You Decide...


So as we all know, Matt and I don't talk as much as we had previously before I moved back in with the parents, and he moved out with Jami, therefore, my updates for new rap songs, rap artists, etc has severely declined. Therefore, I decided to go online to bet.com (trust me, different experience!) So as I'm going down the "vote for your favorite new song/video" downloading all of the new songs, I notice that Young Jeezy has a new song released called "My President Is Black..." So humored by this, I decide to give Limewire a run for the money, so I download the song, and thus my life is changed! I found a new faith in today's black Dr. Suess!!! For those of you that don't know the song, it's set to a Presidential type rap background, and the words of the song are as follows:
Yeah, be the realest shit I never wrote
I ain't write this by the way nigga, some real shit right here nigga
This'll be the realest shit you ever quote
Let's go!
My president is black, my Lambo's blue
And I'll be goddamned if my rims ain't too
My momma ain't at home, and daddy's still in jail
Tryna make a plate, anybody seen the scale?
My president is black, my Lambo's blue
And I'll be goddamned if my rims ain't too
My money's light green and my Jordans light grey
And they love to see white, now how much you tryna pay?
Let's go!
Today was a good day, hope I have me a great night
I don't know what you fishin for but catch you a great white
Me, I see great white, heavy as killer whales
I cannot believe this, who knew it came in bails
Who knew what came with jail, who knew what came with prison
Just cause you got opinions, does that make you a politician?
Bush robbed all of us, would that make him a criminal?
And then he cheated in Florida, would that make him a seminal?
I say and I quote, "We need a miracle" And I say a miracle cause this shit is hysterical
By my nephews and nieces, I will email Jesus
Tell him forward to Moses and CC Allah Mr. Soul Survivor, guess that make me a
Konvict Be all you be, now don't that sound like some dumb shit
When you die over crude oil as black as my nigga
Boo It's really a Desert Storm, that's word to my nigga
Clue Catch me in Las Vegas, A.R. Arizona
Rep for them real niggas,
I'm winnin in California
Winnin in Tennessee, hands down Atlanta
Landslide Alabama, on my way to Sevana
I said I woke up this morning, headache this big
Pay all these damn bills, feed all these damn kids
Buy all these school shoes, buy all these school clothes
For some strange reason my son addicted to Polos
Love me some spinach dip,
I'm addicted to Houston's
And if the numbers is right
I take a trip out to Houston
An earthquake out in China, a hurricane in New Orleans
Street Dreams Tour, I showed my ass in New Orleans
Did it for Soulja Slim, brought out B.G.
It's all love Bun, I'm forgivin you Pimp C
You know how the Pimp be, that nigga gon' speak his mind
If he could speak down from heaven he'd tell me stay on my grind
Tell him I'm doin fine, Obama for mankind
We ready for damn change so y'all let the man shine
Stuntin on Martin Luther, feelin just like a king
Guess this is what he meant when he said that he had a dream...
That is the song directly from "lyrics.com" and let me say, after I heard this song, I have to admit that I was quite perplexed, because several times, except when he started saying "my President is black" I God honestly thought this was a random thoughts song about things that he enjoys, and doesn't enjoy... I have quite a few problems with this song, but it seems to be a HUGE hit, because of the whole Obama getting voted in to office crap... But I have to admit, it's catchy, and it's great in many ways, but my favorite is, that Young Jeezy makes me feel like I can rap. He's like the guy from my reading/writing class that made it (somehow) and now I feel like I have a fighting shot! I mean, I can put words together that make no sense, and just make it rhyme! Piece of cake! Like Josh and Drake! See! Simple! Dimple! Look at me, I'm a regular rap star! In fact, I'm so convinced, that I'm going to write a rap real quick, about Bush! And let's begin!
Random thoughts I thought I'd write...
My President is white,
My civic's have always been red,
I'm surprised with my driving record,
that I ain't dead...
My dad's always home,
because that's where he works,
My mom hates Lakota,
because they're all jerks...
Easy mac has to be eaten by the two's,
add some ham chunks you won't know what to do!
wake up late for work everyday,
Don's horses are lazy and only eat hay...
drink beer at McCaulys all summer,
looked out the window and just saw an H2 Hummer!
My President is white,
My civic's have always been red,
I'm surprised with my driving record,
that I ain't dead...
Never had kids,
I'm 25 and unmarried,
been drunk at Brazenhead,
and almost all the time,
I have to be carried!
My best friend is Rick,
I shave with a Bic,
I don't know Soldier Slim,
But I would like a Slim Jim!
Columbus to Cincinnati,
Cleveland to D.C.,
Places I've been,
not places I ever want to see...
I mean come on, that's the hot new jam, all I need is a rap name, and I'm in like sin! After analyzing his song, I wanted to mention some things that I've noticed that are funny to me:
First off: "My President is black." Your President? Does Young Jeezy own the United States, and Obama just rules over Jeezy? I thought he was all of our's President? Next, wasn't the big thing that he was part white/part black? So shouldn't the song be "My President is mixed?" Wouldn't that be more of the truth? I mean, come on, let's get realistic, he's black "looking" but white "speaking!" That has to say something!
Second off: How can we go from what color the President is to what color your Lamborghini is? Shouldn't there be a transition? Something there that is supposed to captivate us to want to listen to your next statement maybe? However, the whole song is full of a lack of transitions! Where did you go to school? I bet your teachers are so embarassed, mine would be...
Third off: Did he at some point visit an aquarium or watch NatGeo or something, because where is this great white, killer whale thing coming from (besides left field)??? I mean, we're going off in so many random directions here, I don't know where to go... I'm in line at Kings Island here man, what's up???
Fourth off: If you're so frustrated with your kids, and having them, and having to feed them, just do the one simple thing that they teach you when you're younger... WRAP IT UP! Don't be a fool, wrap your tool! How many ways you want to hear it?!?! That, and don't complain about having to feed your kids when you're talking about your Lambo, there's kind of a conflict of interest there if you ask me (or anyone with a brain)...
Furthermore, I could keep this going for days, but the more I think about it, the more I just really hate the fact that this guy is rich for doing nothing more than writing a Dr. Suess book of dirty words and non-sense... It's a load of crap that this guy that's probably never done a "legal" job a day in his life is out there living it up, and I'm stuck here at work blogging, and hating my everyday life... We'll See Ya!
4 people don't listen to this song anymore now because of reading this blog...

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

"A Rod" A Why I Don't Care... Also Random Thoughts On Baseball...

I picked this picture for the blog for one reason and one reason alone... And no it's not because I really enjoy a nice dance to "YMCA," it's because I'm asking why when you have everything in the world handed down to you, and you are in the spotlight, why do you have to screw everything you possibly can up??? It's not just him either, there's 104 other guys out there doing this too... And for what??? What advantage do you get by popping or injecting roids? You can hit a ball out of the park and your arms and torso can look freakishly different from the rest of your body, how cool are you? You don't see Olympic sports professionals doing this stuff, at least not on the level that these baseball players are doing it...


When you look at the sport when Ty Cobb and Babe Ruth and Pete Rose and all of the players of America's past time that could go far too long to list, you see a passion, a love of the game, something that showed how much they really wanted to play... I recall an old "Saved By The Bell" episode (college years of course) when Zach meets some professional football player quarterback that makes a ton of money, and doesn't care much about football, but rather the money... Well, Mike (The R.A. of the dorm and former teammate to said jackass) makes a very valid point. He said "you know it's funny, he still gets to play a sport that he only cares about the money for, and I'd play just to play the game again..." Interesting analysis, even for a player from the 49er's... You think any of these guys in today's game would play for something like $45,000/year? Sorry to break it to you sweetheart, but I HIGHLY doubt it, but I think that would bring out the true talented players that play for the love of the game...


The thing that I love about today's players is that you're almost more likely to run into a juicer on every team than a non-juicer. Players like Ken Griffey Jr., sorry, but I just don't care about him... I wish he'd retire and stop wasting my time... My true opinion of him, HE SUCKS! He was the worst investment Cincinnati ever made, but oh well, we made it, spent a shit-ton of money, and now we're paying for it... Regardless of how I feel and now that I got that out, Ken Griffey Jr. is an example of a player that only plays for the money, but when you look at Pete Rose, Ken Griffey Sr. (all hometown players I know, better and easier for reference), you see a true passion for just the game... Those guys played just to play... I'm sure they'd be playing softball together still if they could (if they weren't in retirement homes/assisted living homes)...


My number one problem, to be completely honest with you, is that a player like Pete Rose that never threw a game for a bet, and never bet on his team (proven), but because he bet on the game of baseball, he'll never be allowed to be in the Hall of Fame, but players that are juicing and using performance enhancers are shew-in's! Garbage if you ask me! Although I have to admit that baseball is becoming more and more of a dirty game, and by that I mean, gloves, bat, pitches, steroids, etc... But if you're going to let these roid popping, incredible hulk like pansy's into the Hall of Fame, then put down the gate on the way in so that Pete Rose can join too, because they deserve it more than any player in the game today... We'll See Ya!



4,503 people aren't going to attend Opening Day until Pete Rose is in the Hall of Fame because of this blog...

Friday, February 6, 2009

Tough Love??? It's Called Parenting Asshole!!!


I have come to realize that what Bob Dylan said is true... "The times they are a changing..." How right he is?!?! Working in the bank all this time, and even working at the Beach Waterpark as a deep water lifeguard, I've come to see that parents have gone soft... Hell, call them pillow top, because they're SOFT!!! I don't mean they're letting their kids get away with stuff here and there, I mean they're letting them slide on EVERYTHING! I see kids lashing out like they have rights or some crap like that... All this said, lets take a trip back in time, so hop in the Delorean with me, and lets head back...
When I (we) were kids (I say we because everyone reading this is either my age or older), we didn't get away with shit, and by shit, I mean SHIT! When (if) I ever got loud with my parents like kids do these days in grocery stores, shops at the mall, etc, their parents say we're not going to get those cookies that you want... COOKIES!?!? Are you kidding me?!?! I wish to everything that's holy that's all I didn't get... If that were my parents, they don't take away cookies, or my favorite cereal (cinnamon toast crunch, lucky charms), no! In fact, they don't get it for me to begin with, but they didn't act out, or go crazy over the top like some parents, no... They let me act out, do my crying, bitching, I hate you ordeal and all they said was something simple, direct, and to the point... "Just wait till we get home..." BAM!!! That right there was enough to shut me the hell up, because you have NO IDEA what that insinuated... Hell, I didn't know what was going to happen, but point taken, I knew it was nothing that I would ever wish on myself or anyone else... Dinner taken away? Nope... Too easy... No dessert after dinner? Haha, pleeeeease... Spanking after dinner? Possibly, but not a good possibility... Pleading for my life while taking a hanger or 2 to the face? Highly likely... Yea, a hanger... Maybe a double dose of hanger and then spanking with the ole' blue wood spoon... Yea, that's right, hanger AND blue spoon (that to this day I still don't use because of instilled fear as a child)... You know the old routine, bend over dad's knee, and a quick ten piece chicken sore ass was up to order... Just when you think you're done, BAM! Hanger to the face for talking back to them... Yes, that's childhood as we (I) remember it...
Now, let me state for the record, my parents are strict, and some are lenient, but nobody's parents were as creative as mine... I remember patching walls in the old house that my mom and dad put in there from their creativity. (Engagement ring holes, stapler holes, etc...) Some parents back in the day believed that taking away Nintendo, Sega, etc would take care of the little shit outbursts that we had... In a way it did work for some of us, because in those days we all weren't lucky enough to have computers, televisions, stereos, etc in our room for quick access... Now and days, you send a kid to their room to "think about what they did or said" that just translates too "don't go outside with your friends, link up on xbox live and play with them there..." Yea, THAT'LL DO IT!!! YOU SHOWED THEM!!! If that's punishment, send me back to childhood please!
Sorry guys, we didn't have that luxury growing up... Groundings were the equivalent of jails in Mexico for us... You didn't know how long you were going to be in there, or really maybe what you were even in there for, but one thing was for sure, you had a HELL of a lot of time to figure it out... I remember when I was 7, I was in my room for over 24 hours before my parents came and got me, shit of it was, it was something my sister did and didn't have the guts to tell them, but I was on lock down, and she was able to go to the mall or some crap with her friends and I was on high risk lock down... Ain't that some shit!?!? But that entire time, I sat on my floor looking up at the ceiling thinking of things I could plot to pull on my sister that there was no way to get caught for doing... That's a lot of time to think about things, and I know, you would think that I would never do anything stupid ever again, but no, that's only in Disney movies...
Now, when you observe parents these days, they tell their kids to go to their rooms for a few minutes, to really think about what they've done... Minutes?!? Really?!? When they do this, they're enabling the kids to think about what they're going to do next, not think about what they've done... No one thinks about what they've done unless they're in jail and that's still questionable... And trust me, last time I checked, your Four Bridges home was not even relative to the jail scene... I'm not asking parents to throw their kids on a burning cross (unless.......), but a little punishment to make them question their existence would be stellar... Therefore, I've taken the notion upon myself to help you parents out! I'm starting a "If You Don't Beat Your Kids, I Will" Program... The benefits of this program outweigh the cost! The benefits, I'm going to be more or less "The Dog Whisperer" for your kids... However, I'm going to Rehabilitate you, and train your kids... When your kids return, they will practically in a general sense of the word be your slaves... You want a fresh cold beer, margarita or something of that nature, BAM! Before you even finish the sentence, it's there at your fingertips! You want the grass cut before your wife comes home and bitches at you, you bet your ass, IT'S DONE! All of these things right at your fingertips thanks to me, and a little hard work, no bitching! Your kids will be so well-behaved, you'll probably be terrified and just beat them for no reason other than for being too good... (if that's possible)! Kids need to realize these days that they are nothing but minuscule pieces of shit until they're 18, then they have rights! (certain God given, Constitutional rights that is)! But until they move out, they're at your full disposal to do what you wish, and my program instills this VERY DEEPLY into their small, not possible of handling large tasks brains! "But what about the costs?!?!" you ask? Ha, well let me let you in on a little secret, THERE IS NO COST! I know, I know, I bet your asking yourselves, "but where's the reward for you doing this?" I'll tell you where the reward is! It's in the results! It's going to the grocery store and not hearing the shrill of a little shit that just wants some oreo's (fill in your kids specialty items here). That's the reward for me!
So parents unite! It's time to take a stand against meaningless bitching and moaning! Stand up and take the time to beat your kids, and if you don't, I WILL, FOR FREE!!! Also included below, are a list of tips on how to "D.I.Y." or "Do It Yourself!!!" These topics were handed down to me (painfully) by my parents:
Hanger Face Clip: Take a hanger, any household hanger will do, hell even wood ones depending on how bad the offense. And what you want to do is make them feel like nothing TOO BAD was done and you can talk it out, then when they look away, blink, etc, you give them one to one side of the face and one to the other, and keep repeating as you deam necessary...
Five to the Face: This one is easy, and no tools of destruction necessary to instill some pain and fear, because you're utilizing a tool that you have at all times! Basically, you follow the same rules of the hanger, making them believe that nothing too bad is coming, then when they least expect it, BAM! Five reigning fingers held tightly together to form a hand of God swipe one side of the face, and also as before, repeat until relieved, or you need a cigarette, or another meaningless task taken care of around the house...
Fistful of Action: This one is easy as well, because it's also something you have with you at all times, and sometimes used for other tasks (Bar Fights) This one is also called the Fist of God! Because this one is dangerous and could cause concussions, bleeding, loss of memory, etc... The cops could become suspicious if used anywhere but around the house, so utilize this togetherness place to use this! Basically, one of these is enough to set them straight for at least a year or two... Basically, when they're yelling back at you, and telling you that they "hate" you... (If they hate you so much at age 8, tell them to move out...) then you basically cold cock them right in the jaw or side of the upper head, and blame the steps, dog, table, etc... Trust me, if you catch them mid-sentence, it even makes for a good laugh for you and your significant other! (Make a night of it if you must...)
Leg Sweep: The leg sweep, ahhhh yes... A personal favorite of mine that I plan to practice greatly... The leg sweep is just to instill a constant fear, and to let them pesky kids know that you're NOT, and I mean NOT going to ever let up, so they don't catch you slipping! This trick is easy, utilizing just your leg, and foot regions. (Timing and Secrecy are keen!) What you want to do is just periodically catch them when they're walking by, whether it's after school, after playing, regardless they don't even have to be doing something wrong, but this will let them know to never let their guard down... You can even say something after they fall to the ground and bust a lip, or nose open, something simple as "don't let me catch you slipping" to let them know you're always watching... Or something as easy as "Bitch!" But either way, it's a great way to let your kids learn that you're always watching, and they'll always keep that guard up...
These parents, are just a few ways to keep your kids stupid lives in check. They might learn to hate you over time, like maybe by the time they're 18 or so, but that's a long ways away. Remember, you made them, you can take them away just as quick! Now parents, remember, it's key to raising a well respectful child, but the way you're doing it these days is just not cutting it. If we don't catch this effort, and correct it now, it's only going to get worse from here, and we (I) can't let that happen. Also, parents, while I do appreciate a good serving of ass-whooping here and there, I don't want to have to do it for you, like I said, I'm like the dog-whisperer of children and parenthood... I want you to be the pack leader, not me AND CERTAINLY NOT YOUR KIDS!!! But I'm willing to bare that exhilaration if you don't feel up to it... So kids, watch your asses, daddies coming home, and he ain't happy! Remember one more thing, parents, if you come home, and your kid isn't crouched in the corner, guarding his head and sides, you've failed yourselves and your children as parents. Instill fear, not values and morals... Let the real world instill that crap, that's the only place you can really learn the stuff you'll need to know in life anyways... We'll See Ya!
14,756,901 children have suffered directly from the Fist of God since their parents read this blog, and I'm still smiling...
Authors Notes of Interest: Any loss of children to the welfare of children's services in direct link to reading this blog are not to be brought to the attention of the originator of this writing. Therefore, keep it in this house, and out of the sight of non-concerned parents/neighbors... All they'll do is rat anyways... Pansies...

Flashing Lights And Sirens Can Only Mean One Thing!!! The Fashion Police Are Here!!!





Like a mullet, it's the butt of the of the joke to some, and it's crazy awesome to others... Another time in life when you rock it, you're a winner and a loser at the same time! Don't get me wrong folks, I'm in no way, shape or form someone that should recommend clothing styles, or fashion tips or anything like that to anyone... But at this point, it's time for an intervention... Let's go back, come with, it's going to be a hell of a ride...



So yesterday, I come into work (hell) and as I open the door to enter the gates of my very damnation, I am shocked by what I see... As I enter, I see what I think is either Inspector Clueso (Pink Panther), or the Queen of England. Then I look down at the cankles and the ankle/foot brace and realize it's just Awn (name has been changed to protect the identity of the presumed guilty party)... Now, we have to take into consideration that Awn is only 4 foot nothing, so this skirt pictured above (if that's what we call would call it) is actually a full length dress, which goes all the way down to the cankle region. And you may be picturing cankles, but trust me, these are the true, full on CANKLES! She said she was a dancer, and I think that the tree trunks that stem into shoes are liars... But back to analyzing the wrong attire that is this suit...




Come on, look at this suit folks! Seriously! Who wears this? My grandmother would not even think twice about NOT rocking this thing, and I think this suit is so ugly you don't even rock it, YOU CAN'T!!! You have to hate your mom for making you wear it to Church on Christmas... There's no right way to rock this thing... First off, it's plaid... Made out of some carpet from an old "shaggin wagon" in the 1970's... The buttons... You can see those dame things from space... I mean, I literally thought she was going to an acting audition last night after work and had to leave directly from work... There was no excuse for this type of clothing (if it's even that) to be worn here, or as a joke at a party or anything like that...




I mean, the last person that I ever saw wear this suit was NO ONE! Except maybe in a play or something like that, but that's acceptable, and would also explain why I've never seen anyone wear it, because I don't do play's, theatre's, etc... That's for smart people... But in all reality, if I thought all of this just from walking into the branch, imagine what our customer base is thinking when they see it... I literally almost lost it when I walked in... Even this morning when I walked in, I thought today's might actually beat out yesterday's but what a let down... But the funny part is, she wear's this thing every once in awhile, and unfortunately no one has any idea or dyer need to tell her that it needs to be put out to pasture... Just so you can get the idea of how hideous this thing is, I want you to know that I wouldn't even put it on a scarecrow, although it would be the most highly effective scarecrow EVER! Just to further portray the hideousness of this suit (once again, if you can call it that), not even Money Penny from the original James Bond (the good ones, with Sean Connery) would wear this crap... And if hilarious British people don't even wear this crap, then no one should... Like I said before, I'm not very qualified to tell you somethings in or out of fashion, but sometimes the evidence is right under your nose... We'll See Ya!
540,213 people work with someone that has worn this suit and no EXACTLY where I'm coming from, and trust me, I feel your pain...
Please note: The girl in this picture above is from Google Images, because no one else would be caught dead in this suit, but I have to appreciate the joke behind her actually wearing this, but she was shot and killed after the photo shoot...

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Snow Day? Who The Hell Are You Kidding? I WORKED BITCH!!!


Nothing like the smell of snow in Cincinnati, and by snow I mean the havoc that it causes with Cincinnati drivers. Hold on, let me go back and get into the thick of this... So the weathermen decided to tell us that originally this storm only had "a quarter of an inch of accumulation..." Nice I thought, that's not bad, shouldn't ruin my hopes of working the next day or anything like that (but we all know with the threat of any snow that Lakota would be out). Regardless, it wasn't that bad of a snow storm it sounded like, all facts considered with the last storm we just had... Then while at work the next day, all hell breaks loose during the day. I see the storm was upgraded in the paper, and now they're saying that residents north of the Ohio River should expect to see 1 - 3 inches of snow... Ok, discerning, but still not too bad all facts considered... So about 2:30 rolls around and it's snowing like a bat out of hell, and the roads are starting to look pretty crappy. I read the paper again and I see that it's been upgraded again to 2 - 5 inches of snow accumulation... Really? You're the weatherman and that's the best you can do? So I click the poll that was optional in the story of "who's your favorite television weatherman?" So I click it to see the options, and all local channel guys are on there, but there wasn't a "none of the above" option. So I decided to send an email (comment) rather to the enquirer... It read:


Dear Enquirer,
I feel that your poll is inadequate with it's information. There is no "none of the above" option. When this storm began, it was a possible accumulation of a quarter inch. Now we've far surpassed that and it doesn't look like it's going to stop anytime soon. Therefore, I would like for you to make an option of "none of the above" because none of these clowns are capable of doing a job that requires them to tell us what the weather is going to be... Do they have college degrees? How do you land a job as a meteorologist? Are there qualifications? Because I feel that I can do a better job than they can... Just thought you should know...

Sincerely,


A concerned reader...


This is an actual copy of the letter (comment) that I posted to them. So anyways, at this point, things are crappy outside, traffic is, well for lack of a better word "all Cincinnatied up" and I still have to work for another 3 1/2 hours. The customers that are coming in are telling us how bad it is, and that we should shut down and head home before it gets crappy out... Thanks for the concern, but that'll never happen because National City doesn't care about it's employee's...




About this time, (3:30) my boss comes out of his office to tell us it looks crappy out... Thanks for the update buddy! Didn't realize it! Especially with those 11 cars sideswiped outside of our branch! His next line is priceless, and one that I'll probably never forget (but not the first time). "Well guys, it's looking pretty crappy out, so I'm going to go ahead and head home... Good luck driving tonight..." Oh really? Well in that case, I'm going to go ahead and head home too... Oh that's right, I can't just get paid for 40 hours and not work all of them, because I'm not at JACKASS status yet!!! This is my boss pictured above... (Patton)


So as the snow progressed, the roads got worse, the traffic progressively got horrible, women hit the road, etc, this picture above explains what work was like for the last couple of hours... I think I played games on the computer for the last couple of hours, or slept, or read a book...
JUST KIDDING!!! We all know I don't read books!!! But anyways, so finally 6 rolls around and it's time to call it a night. After scraping 5 inches of snow and 2 inches of ice off of my windows, I finally take a look around, assessed the situation and headed home. I left the parking lot at 6:15, and the roads were as horrible as my first girlfriend in 2nd grade... Long story short, at 8:35 I arrived home, not to mention missing Scrubs at 7 - 8, and having to pee from Route 42 to the remainder of the way home!!! So yes, these kids from Lakota that are coming in today saying that they can't believe we're working, because it should be a snow day are in for a rude awakening! In the real world, you don't get snow days... And if you're under the impression that you do, I can't wait to see your resume some day... Good luck bitches, we'll see ya!
8,504,201 women are upset that I didn't mention men drivers under bad drivers, but then realize men don't get stuck, we make new paths after reading this