As I am out and about more often these days, arriving at my favorite locale spots, like bars, and sports games, things of that nature. Recently however, I have noticed a huge drop in the paying of attention to Man Law and Guy Code... This is a very large concern of mine, because these rules are in place for a reason. These didn't just pop into the everyday life scene of men. These rules have been in place since the cavemen roamed the earth (and apparently thanks to Geico, they still do roam the earth, and I swear to God if I see one more of those commercials, I'm going to stab the maker of them in the throat). But that's another blog in itself. You don't see people going against the Constitution of the United States, or the Bill of Rights, so why break Man Laws or Guy Code? Therefore, I've decided to run down a list of things that I have just recently, RECENTLY seen broken when I was out on the town. As for what should happen to these Bandits, I don't really know, but after I run down this list, I'm sure I'll be pissed off enough to come up with something we can do to these clownshoes...
First and foremost, the restroom: In a men's restroom (Bengals and Reds games excluded) there are commonly 2 - 3 urinals and a stall or 2. In a 2 urinal, one stall restroom, said man walks in, and goes for urinal, therefore putting the other urinal out of commission for any man to use, NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU HAVE TO GO!!! There is no question for this. The next man to walk in must use the stall. If, Heaven forbid, there should be 3 men, in a 3 toilet room, the last said man should wait for either to open up, and commonly should look at his watch or look at his cell phone. DO NOT FOR ANY REASON GO FOR THAT OPEN URINAL! In the other situation, if we have a 3 urinal and 2 stall combo restroom, here is the game plan. First man walks in, takes far left urinal, second said man takes the far right urinal, therefore leaving the middle urinal out of commission. FOR NO REASON AGAIN, SHOULD ANY MAN TAKE THAT MIDDLE URINAL NO MATTER WHAT SITUATION MAY ARISE!!! If another man walks in, there are 2 stalls, further maximizing 4 men using the restroom at the same time. If everyone plays this game, the restroom will flow much easier. I am beginning to feel like this rule hasn't been fully utilized because I still have that super ultra mega uncomfortable feeling when I'm standing there in my zone and some dillweed comes and steps to the middle stall... YOU JUST DON'T DO IT!!! There's rules in place to protect men from bad things like this happening. They are there for a reason. Respect Man Law, and it will respect you. He who breaks this rule is deamed a homo, and a peeper. Don't bring your insecurity into my stall bro, understand?
Second, when to buy a round: This is not so much a Man Law as it is Guy Code. However, it's a common mistake among men these days. When out at a bar with the guys, grabbing some beers and scoping for Tenderonies, you need to respect the way in which paying for beers flows. First man to the bar, buys first round of beers, and it moves clockwise around the group or table. If you screw it up, you start alphabetically by last name, starting with A's, so on and so forth. This only applies to the immediate group, if say, Brian brings his friend from Accounting, and you don't know him, you are in no way, shape or form obligated, yes obligated to buy Mr. Number Cruncher a beer. However, it is a nice gesture if he seems like he could fit into the group. Brian however, would be responsible for your immediate group's rounds and his pin-pushing friend. No man shall be morally obligated to buy beers if he is not drinking them. No buying, no drinking, simply put. Just don't let your friends go thirsty, you have an obligation to your kind, don't let the greater good down. In the event that a man in the group lets down his responsibility and does not pay after recieving his previous rounds, you are fully willing and in your jurisdiction to give him a "We'll See Ya" tap in the crotch region.
C-Blocking, there's no rhyme or reason for it: C-Blocking is becoming almost a style these days, and I have to say, it makes me sick to my stomach. There is a huge lake out there called Man's World, and in this lake, there are lots of fish called women. There is no need to block off the lake to just you, so let others fish and have a good time too... If you see a woman at the bar, and she within a 10 minute period is not hugged by, in a conversation with, or kissed by a man, she is then available to talk to... TALK TO!!! Not kicked game upon with worthless, retarded pick up lines. Here's how it's played: Walk up to order a drink, excuse yourself behind her, in her peripheral vision, not in direct view, and with one arm on the bar, raise other hand for bartenders attention and order a drink, preferably a Miller Lite, show's class and sign of good taste, and when the girl turns to gander and see who's behind her, you say hello, hi, something of that nature, and see how her drink is doing. Full, half full, or empty. Full, you're screwed, you'll have to shoot back to your spot, and try again once she's finished, or close to finished. Half full, make note to her that she's going to need a refill soon, and ask if you can get her another, and empty is a cautious situation. Empty could mean, I was just finishing this and I'm out of here, because it's lame, or I just finished and I'm figuring out what I want to do, or I'm going to have another when some guy cups the balls and decides to buy me one. Either of these is approachable. Just say when ordering your beer, would you like something to drink, with a smile on of course, you don't want to give out that, I'm going to follow you to your car later vibe, that never works. But either way, I got off track I know, but when your buddy is macking on a girl at your table, don't interrupt, unless you hear a story your buddy is telling and you can back him up and make him sound more bad-ass, then it's perfectly good. Never should you chime in and downgrade your buddy. Even if he's drunk, it's not right, and we will not stand for it... This is not up for debate. Even if this girl steps away from him and comes on to you, you have to give an official "We'll See Ya" wave, and move along on your way. If 2 men in your group are arguing over the same girl/girls, there is only one way to settle that issue, and that is the game of all games... Rock/Paper/Scissors. You lose, you suck, give up, and let your buddy step up to the plate. If we observe these simple rules, no fights, no problems, good times, great country, life's like B105... So just relax, and watch what you do and say, because I've seen guys C-Block eachother and not even realize it, it's easy to slip up, and if you do, you're obligated to step back up, and get him back in the game... Be a wingman, not a hater...
Seatcheck, it's in place for a reason: Seatcheck, not much to say here. You're in your seat, for some reason you are forced to get up: food, eats, restroom, etc... Before your buttocks leaves the seat, you must say seatcheck, therefore saving your seat. If you say it after the fact and you stand up, and your seat is stolen, tough luck Fonzey, move along and wait your turn. However, the rule bender is this, if a hot girl is sitting on the floor and takes your seat, you have no fight. Determination of hotness is on your own scale, depending on what you like, but make sure she knows you wanted her to have that seat. He who steals a man's seat on seatcheck, gets no food, no beers unless he gets them himself, in which case you can steal your seat back even if he calls seatcheck. What's stolen once can be stolen back, it's like recieving your stolen property back.
Shotgun, not the 12 guage, but that prime VIP seat in the whip: This is actually a very easy topic. Shotgun is meant for the quickest of quick, the slyest of sly, and the man of men. Sure, the driver's cool, but shotgun holds a lot of responsibility. You are the drivers wingman, and you look cool because you're not cramped in the back like a tool. That and in most situations, your window goes down all the way, not just that half mast crap. The first person with the car in sight, and is outside in the sun or view of where the sun would be, is able to call shotgun... It's that simple, none of this, I saw it through the window, or guessed where it was sitting crap. You see it, and you're outside, bam!!! Shotgun and shotty are the only acceptable forms of calling shotgun as well, no other words are accepted. And it's only good for the ride to the first location, unless you're really that concerned and you want to stay in the car. Also, the driver has the right to remove the said shotgunner, and add whoever he likes at any time. No arguments, nothing, it's like a House Rule...
These are just a few of the most commonly broken Man Laws and Guy Codes that I see broken so often, and if you feel that I have overlooked one of the important one's, leave a comment, and I will add pending the results of a 3 Judge Trial. Please be aware again, I can not stress enough, that these rules and codes are in place to protect you, therefore, follow them with care and concern for others and yourself. We'll See Ya....
-205,442 guys just broke a man law within the last hour, and didn't get ball tapped, but it's coming shorty after reading this...
