1 Day Before Judgement Day...

I stand before him, the eyes of justice, one meant to uphold the arms of liberty and justice for all of those that believe in this great nation... I stand before him the one meant to uphold the laws of man, knowing well that the only man that can truly judge me is God himself, and for that matter I stand not in fear, but in mercy... I stand as a man for the first time in my life... I beg for my good fathers forgiveness, fore I have sinned... It's not the first, and definitely not the last... I stand before you, a changed man... One that is accepting of the punishment that I have in fact put myself in. I fear not what you shall impose, and ask that in all of your grace, I still have life, and a chance of happiness... I will stand up as a man, and fully accept what you have handed down to me, your son, as a gift, because through all of my trials and tribulations, I can look back and notice the change that has taken place... I am forever grateful for you love and understanding, and in your name I pray, amen...

These are my final thoughts the night before I head to court to find my sentence for my second offense... As much as I'm trying not to be nervous about what is to come of this mess, it still haunts me... I know there's jail time in the mix of things, but at the same time, what should I fear of a crime that I flat out committed? Is it wrong to not fear something because of a typo on a report that could abolish this? Is it wrong to beg for mercy? Does it make me less of a man? I know through it all, my friends have said not to worry, what happens, happens for a reason, and this I know, but there's still that inner-most sense of what is coming... I joined a statistic that I never wanted to join... I have finally manned-up to the fact that what I did was wrong, and I intend to do anything and everything in my power to correct my mistakes... I have had to sacrifice a lot because of this situation... I've lost a relationship with my parents to which I never really realized I do hold so dear... I'm sure I've lost the respect of some of my friends... I've lost a part of my life that I felt a sense of pride in... For a few short days, I lost my faith in God, which is something that I never intended to do... Thankfully, all that I can do is work to get that back... I can look at this in a positive way, accept my sentence, and move forward... Or I can slip through the cracks and lose it all... Anyone that knows me knows that I have always accepted a challenge, and I intend to fight this to the death... I am one man taking on the justice system... The justice system set forth by this great nation to convict the guilty, and find innocence in those willing to change their ways... I have no intention of letting go, and falling into a life I have never wanted, therefore there's no option but to "adapt and overcome" as Cub says... I just want to take this time to say thank you to those I know and love... Thank you to those I thought I lost faith in that never walked away no matter how big of a jackass I was... Lastly, thanks to those still in my life, that are there for my support... I will update tomorrow once I figure out what happens in court... As for now, it's time to get back to life, and dwell on the future and not the past...

We'll see ya...

The Quest For Life...

Recently, as not many of you may know, I was pulled over on my second DUI within a year. As we all know, the first one didn't go over that well with the parents, and there were times that were rocky at best, and borderline of me getting kicked out of my house and home. After much time taken away from the drinking/partying scene, I again returned to my stupid routine, and slipped up. As you can imagine, this didn't fly over very well with the "free living" with the parents. After the first offense, I was given the ultimatum that I had to discontinue hanging out with the people that I knew before, and start a new life with people that are "making something of themselves." I was rather confused as to what exactly "making something of themselves" actually entails. Before it was people that have graduated college and have a job. After I hang around with a group like that, and I got in trouble on my own accord, my parents blamed the people that I was hanging out with because "they're losers that spend their entire lives in a bar..." And if I was to continue hanging out with those people, I would turn out to be like that. COP OUT! I made the decision to drink and drive, and I am paying the consequences.

During the course of my first DUI, I was constantly beat up by my parents, calling me "scum of the Earth, an embarrassment, a criminal," etc... My parents threatened to the throw me out if I had another one, and of course, true to their word, my mom attacked me Sunday afternoon, and told me if I'm not going back to school this quarter, then I could get out, because they're not going to let me just live my life there for free. The look on their face when I walked out was almost priceless, because I don't think that they realize that I'm never coming back. I say that because I feel the only major flaw I've had in my life is them holding me back from being who I want to be. I'm not willing to sacrifice living my life just because I have made some mistakes. I'm not going to sit around a house with them and get beat up physically and emotionally, because no one deserves that. I'm an adult, and at times, although I don't act very mature and make grown up decisions, but it's about time for a change. I stepped out of the house and was greeted with a fresh breathe of air. I walked away from the only house and home I've ever known, and was finally out on my own.

Walking down the street with nothing but 2 small bags packed with clothes, and 2 bags of shoes, I walked with a different sense of pride. I felt like I was adventuring out to something new, something I've never done before. Although I had a sense of exactly where I was going, Chris and Sara's place, I still knew that this time it was for real. This time I wasn't turning around to talk to my parents again and beg for mercy... This time I was finally saying goodbye for quite possibly the last time. I had lived under their tyrannical (®) rule for so many years and just couldn't stand the oppression that I was withstanding for so long. I had every aspect of my life constantly judged and set forth for me like a slave. I was able to seek refuge in the helpfulness of all of my friends, whether it was a "good luck" or "you're doing the right thing," or in my case, an "I got you man, you can crash here as long as you need too..." Although I don't like being in the situation because I would like to be able to fend for myself, but financially I'm strapped with the upcoming court date and such. I'm just so thankful that I have true friends that would give up their time, home, etc just to help me out. It goes to show how true your friends are to you, and for them to say, "I would hope that someone would do the same for me in your situation," just goes to show me that this is the person that will always have your back no matter the situation. I have a great girlfriend that time after time impresses me more and more with how much she can handle and still show consideration for what's happening in my life. I have friends that are just as great as Chris and Sara, and I would not give them up for anything in the world. I'm so glad that for once in my life, I took the high road, and went against the grain and ventured out into the unknown, taking the road less traveled. I would just like to say thank you again to everyone that has offered help, rides, etc, and just overall shared kind words to help me through this rough patch in my life. I am trying my best to accept responsibility for my actions, and just knowing that I have the backing of so many people is really, truly helping me through this.

As for what the future holds, I'm not really too sure. I know that currently I do not have the money to find a place to live just yet until I go to court, sell my car, buy a new clunker, etc... I anticipate a big life change however. I've been talking with a few people, and I am seriously considering possibly leaving the country for a year to teach English oversea's or something possibly among those lines, or possibly joining the armed services, but nothing is in stone yet. I will have to see how things go in court on September 22nd. I really do appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers, and everyone knows when they are in a bind, don't hesitate to call me, my phone line is always open...

Without Him, Who Do We Have...???

Recently, some mistakes I've made in my life have made this song more meaningful to me, and although I don't usually take rap music for more than what it is, DMX has a song that reminds me of what I'm going through inside... (The parenthesis represent God's voice)

Please give me the strength I need to live...
Bear with me...
Amen...
We each walk the path, that we've chosen...



I'm ready to meet him
Where I'm living ain't right
Black hate white
White hate black
It's right back
To the same fight
They got us suspecting a war
But the real war is to follow the law of the lord
Lord, you left me stranded
And I don't know why
Told me to live my life
Now I'm ready to die
Ready to fly I cry, but I shed no tears
You told me you would dead those fears, it's been years
Snakes still coming at me
Just missing
Sometimes I think all you doing me is just listen
I thought that I was special
Thats what you told me
Hold me
Stop acting like you don't know me



What'd I do so bad that it sent you away from me
Not only sent you away, but made you stay away from me
(My child I'm here, as I've always been, it was you who went away, And now are back again, what did I say?)
Follow your word, and be true
(What did you do?)
Well, what I wanted to do...
(What have you seen?)
Darkness and hell at a glance
(What do you want?)
All I want is another chance



(Just because you went away, my doors are not locked, wanna come back home, all you gotta do is knock)
Ya see, I left home a boy, I returned as a man Full grown, and I'm still not able to stand
(I gave you a hand)
Well...but I was looking the wrong way
Figured out the plan, then I started to pray
And that prayer, took me from here to over there
Back to over here
Now they got me like where?
Do I belong?
Do I fit in?
Things on my mind, where do I begin?
It's easier to sin, but it hurts my heart
I'm really tryin' to win, so where do we start?
(Thou shall not steal)
But, what if he stole from me?
(Thou shall not kill)
But what if he's tryin' to kill me?
(Thou shall not, take my, name in vain, no matter how hard it rains, withstand the pain)



Our father, who art in heaven
I'm not ashamed to ask for guidance, at 27
No longer afraid to knock on your door
Not scared anymore to lose my life in the war
After what I just saw, I'm ridin' with the lord
Cause I really can't afford to lose my head by the sword
And now that I've seen, what I need to see
Please take me, where I need to be
(What have you learned?)
It's better to tell the truth than to lie
(What have you learned?)
To love my life until I die
(What have you learned?)
Violence isn't always the key
(What have you learned?)
You can't always believe what you see
(What have you learned?)
It's better to forgive and forget
(What have you learned?)
Give as you expect to get
(What have you learned?)
That I can't go on without you
(What have you learned?)
I must have been a fool to ever doubt you...



I must say, it's a powerful song, that seems very true to life, especially for me... It seems that upon the occurrence of events, not only have I let myself down, and my friends and family, but along the way, I have forgotten what it means to let the Lord down. I have lost faith in the things that have founded what I was, and what I've become... I lost my vision of becoming a better person, and in turn, left everyone in the dust. I feel like I'm on a quest by myself, where in I've left everyone behind. "No journey is best left to oneself, even the journey to learn of what oneself is capable of..." There's no way that I can learn what I am capable of by myself. I have always been left to my own devices, to turn to myself for answers, and I've always felt that I've had the answers, but this time, I'm clueless, and within this time, I have lost someone that I truly cared about, lost my sense of faith in God, and at the same time, lost myself... I turned back to old methods, bottling up my fears and anguish, instead of talking to those that care about me, and would do anything for me... Which abruptly lead to those not believing in me, and therefore not wanting to help me...



I understand that it's merciless to keep all of this bottled up inside, but after 25 years of the same methods, it's hard to change, and it only leads to self destruction, which leads me to the very shoes I stand in today... I've once again single-handily demolished something that I tried to hold so deep, because of fear... A fear of myself, a fear to let myself out, a fear to open up, etc... Within the turmoil, I lost something highly important to me due to some inept fear of putting all of myself out there for one person to see, and that lead to my very own demise... What's so wrong with me that I can't put myself out there? Fear of being rejected? Fear of someone walking away? Fear of crying and showing weakness? Whatever it is, the only person that can help me conquer this is myself, with the help of God. God doesn't judge those that strongly believe in his faith. Maybe I have lost faith in myself, and God... The feeling of being at the bottom of the well without a rope to pull myself out, and yelling but not being heard. The feeling of being stranded in the middle of the desert being surrounded by nothing but dry, desert air... I know it takes time to put all of you out there, especially when you've been through so much pain in life, but in my own pain, I've caused pain to another, which makes me no better of a person than I was in the past, and is that truly fair to anyone else? No...



My faith in God is restored, and all that I had to do was take responsibility for what I did. I have to follow my word, and be able to open my own light, and give others to right to shine as well... I'm reminded of a quote by Marianne Williamson:


"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so? You are a child of God, small games do not work in this world. For those around us to feel peace, it is not example to make ourselves small. We were born to express the glory of god that lives in us. It is not in some of us, it is in all of us. While we allow our light to shine, we unconsciously give permission for others to do the same. When we liberate ourselves from our own fears, simply our presence may liberate others."



In turn, I would like to justly apologize to those I have hurt, and ask for your forgiveness in the hope that you will also fight against the inner demons that may one day hold you back from doing the right thing... I would also like to thank those that have been there for me, and continue to be there for me through thick and thin, and may God bless you and yours in the way that he has truly blessed me... Remember, all journeys in life are too large to adventure out on by yourself, make sure you take the best luggage, and that is friends and faith... Always smile, because they're contagious, and it's the best disease to spread... You can always correct a mistake, as long as you own up to it... Lastly, don't be afraid to put all of yourself out there, because you never know who may take an interest in what you have to think or say...


We'll see ya...