This Just In!

From the papers to the television media, and my everyday life, processed through my very brain to the very few ears of the loyal readers that still keep an eye on my lame ass opinions, here's today's and the weeks top stories (as changed by me!)

So the "nation mourns" at the loss of Democratic Senator Ted Kennedy... Do we really? I don't... No offense, but I find it hard to wave a flag at half-mast when this man dies because he was such an "influence" in the Senate. By influence, do they mean alcoholic that got away with fraud, scams, and was an extreme alcoholic? We lose a soldier almost every day in Iraq, where the "TRUE HEROES" are, and we don't even fly the flag for them, so why this asshole? Ted Kennedy was not a True American, in fact, he wasn't even that good at his job in the Senate, he endorsed Obama, I mean come on, how good could he have been? I told my work that if I do not personally believe that we should fly the flag at Half-Mast, do we still have to do it? (Being a dumbocrat, she replied that "he was a Senator"), although I fought to the end (distracted her long enough to forget) and I conquered, so the flag flew high at National City in my "Good Riddance" to Ted Kennedy, the last of the remaining assholes that fucked America rotten, and had more trials than O.J. Simpson! We'll See Ya!

As not to fall short of any other exhilarating day at work, Monday I received a call from a customer that went as follows:

Me: Thank you for calling National City Liberty Township, this is Ryan, how can I help you?

Customer: (deep south accent) Yeah, I got one of them fee's for 'imsufficient funds on my account and I'm just wondering where the hell it came from??

Me: Ok, what's your social security number, let me look you up...

Customer: ***-**-***

Me: I think we're missing a number sir, is there another number on the end?

Customer: *

Me: Thank you, let me pull you up here in our system...

(PAUSE)

Me: Ok sir, it looks like the fee came from a check that was written off of your account when the funds weren't available...

Customer: Yeah, I know that, but why 'dere a fee for them?

Me: Well, writing a check when you know that the funds aren't there is a felony, because it's technically check fraud, which is illegal, and because that was returned there's a fee from the bank for attempting to process a bad check, and from the company you wrote the check too.

Customer: Well that's bullshit man, I mean, I've been on unemployment for a year now, and just filed an extension, and I don't have but like 3 dimes to my name right now, and I have 2 hernia's, and I just didn't get my extension yet...

Me: I can understand that, but it's still illegal, and there's still a fee from the bank that can't be waived, because you knowingly admitted that you wrote the check without the funds in the account, so there's nothing we can do.

Customer: Bullshit man, I hate this God damn bank shit... (click)

After this phone call, I had to sit back and feel bad for the guy, because all he's got is change, which is all that was promised by Obama, so really, he got screwed. I almost felt like telling him that he could work at McDonald's flipping fries, because I did it for a summer and made $11 an hour, and I guarantee that's more money than he'd ever see in his lifetime from the sound of education level through his speech...

In breaking news, the coroners have ruled that Michael Jackson's death was a homicide! They are currently looking at a suspect named Ziploc or the "Plastic Killer" who they believe is the primary suspect in the death of Pop Star Michael Jackson. Really? So they're going to consider it a homicide because he's had more surgery's than Pamela Anderson which has to be some kind of Guinness World Record! Did you hear that because 99% of Michael Jackson is plastic, they're going to melt him down and mold him into Lego's so that kids could finally play with him for a change! Glad your gone, sincerely not concerned, Ryan Hoopes!

Sorry to keep it short today, and hopefully it brought a good enough laugh for you, but we will be back next time with more!