Dear Diary: Welcome To My Life...

NOTE: The story you are about to read is a recollection of my life and it may be disturbing to some readers, but this is the truth, the real events that have happened throughout my life.

So from day one, life has been hard to deal with. The life of an adopted child... Adopted... What exactly is that? At age 6 you're not really thinking about the true meaning of adopted. You don't know if it means that the people that gave birth to you couldn't afford you, you were a mistake, wanted a better life for you, or something that over the course of 25 years I haven't thought of... Although at birth, there were problems, almost like God was trying to take me away before I even had a chance, and now and days, I'm starting to wonder if that is really the case, like maybe he wasn't sure if he wanted me to go out and do the things I was destined to do... There were serious complications at birth that almost took my life. Recently, after having serious problems with my parents, I've started to wake up in the middle of the night finding it harder and harder to breathe, and having trouble falling back asleep. The arguments we've been having about not going to school, wanting to go back, wasting my life away like my sister, hanging out with friends that don't go to school, smoking cigarettes, getting a DUI, being a criminal, etc have all lead to me wanting to have ended it all, and moving away and never coming back, or just ending it completely like maybe it should have been 25 years ago... After the arguments, I think about all of the shit I've done throughout my life, the good times and all of the bad, the things I've said and done to people I care about/cared about... I remember the party lifestyle I was so used to living, and going out every night and sometimes not coming home... I think about all of this on a daily basis... In some instances I think of the sleep I'm not getting, and wondering if it's my conscience attacking me for all of the stupid shit that I've put my parents through throughout my life... The one thing I've always done was blame my parents for my problems, because I never asked to be adopted, and it was simply their misfortune that I was their pick...

I admit, I wasn't the best child, but I often wonder if it's really my fault... Was there something genetic that I never knew about that made me lie to my parents over the years? Was there something that was passed to me that didn't make me want to go to college? Was there something in my genes that made me want to drink and party all of the time, or was it just my own lack of conscience and understanding? One of the many questions I often ask myself in the middle of the night as I lay there in bed, staring up at the ceiling... I was told by a friend to check out this album and I listened to one song, and metaphorically, it really hit home with me, which might explain the somber tone I have, and the disappointed stare I carry with me every day since the fights began... Let me shine a little light on the lyrics to the one song:

I've started a new diary,
and this time I have a few new reasons:
One, I have no friends left.
Two, so I can read back and remember what I did the day before,
And three, so if I die, at least I leave a nice little suicide note of my life.
It's just me and you diary
Welcome to my fucking life...
Nobody would believe the shit that happens inside my head,
it's haunted...
Now I've come down from the drugs,
it seems like a sick play
That I saw in a theater somewhere.
Thirty minutes ago I could've killed somebody,
Or better yet... Myself...

I'm not saying that in the past 10 years or so I've had thoughts of just letting go and giving up on everything, but sometimes I just wonder what my parents life would have been like without me, and just having my sister. Would my sister have fucked up her life like she did? I often wonder where else I could have been... I wonder if the reason they are the way they are is because of the stupid shit I've done, like forging their signatures when I was in elementary school, or taking money from them while pretending I was in college so I could go out and have fun, or lying to them telling them I was at a friends house house sitting and really going down to Florida to see my sister and live up my life... I wonder if the money that I spent buying all of the flashy shit that I no longer own to sell to pay my bills was really well spent... I wonder if my sister's life is fucked up because of a guy she dated in college that made her life hell and treated her like shit... I wonder if I had cared more in high school and payed attention more in college, if I would have done better or finished school and worked for P&G for a couple of years now like my friends... My mind really is haunted since the fights began... I've worked on the lies since... Which brought up another song that I listened too... Just to let you know, it's from Nikki Sixx that used to play for Motley Crue and had a serious heroine problem, and his CD logs him quitting his habit, and how his life goes through hell, and this is another exert, and again, I didn't do drugs in life, well, these drugs, but like I said, it's a metaphor, my drug was lying to my parents:

Day one. Dope free.
I went to the clinic today and got the first dose of methadone.
I'm out of dope so I threw away all my rigs.
Day two. I can't believe it's been two days without junk.
Fucking smack, it just ruins peoples' lives.
At first it seems so sweet, then you wake up next to a monster...
Day three. I haven't had anything for three days now...
This withdrawal is killing me...
It's like shock therapy to my guts...
Day four. Last visit to the clinic...
My whole body feels like it's cracking into pieces...
Fragile doesn't even come close to describing how I feel....
Day five-- I'm sick as a dog, but this handful of painkillers and a lotta whiskey's gonna get me through....
Day six-- When I'm left to my own devices I go fucking insane.
I'll never use heroin again...
Day seven-- I can't believe I'm clean!
Day eight-- Everyone says I look better...
Day nine-- The parasites are panicking...
Day ten-- They seem amazed that I'm alive!

Everything will be okay...
Everything will be alright...
If I can get away from her...
And save my worthless life...
Everything will be okay...
Everything will be alright...
If I can get away from her...
And save my worthless life.

It's amazing to see that even one day without lying to my parents gets me nowhere, and I often question why, but at the same time, I don't have an answer because I spent 25 years lying to them, sometimes about the smallest shit. And now they're at the point that they don't believe a word I say... Even if I were to tell them that the grass is green and the sky is blue, seems like a small struggle to tell the truth... I bring out this blog now because holding this inside of me is creating a demon that I no longer wish to conceal. I would say that for awhile, I had a problem. I wake up every morning to my mother calling me a criminal and yelling at my dad for trying to convince her that I'm not because of a stupid mistake I've made... I've spent many nights below the vents of my parents room, laying on my bed hearing my mom cry about how much she wishes I would have turned out better, and not failed her like I did... About how much she wishes she could have had her own kids, but glad she adopted because she couldn't... But now sometimes wonders if adopting was the right choice, because all she wanted was to give her kids the best life possible, and all we did was fuck it up and take advantage of them... I wake up every morning knowing I've let everyone down, thinking I have no real friends, and no one that truly loves me, and sometimes wonder if I can ever make anything of myself that my parents could be proud of... As I sit here, I don't know whether to break down and cry, or try to take a positive look at all of the negative, and fix the 25 years that I've broken... I often have flashes of my life where I knew I was doing something stupid that I shouldn't be doing, but did it because it was fun, not because I was pressured... I knew pulling out of the bar that night that I shouldn't drive home, but I did, and I paid for it, and will pay for it for the next couple of years... I hate knowing that I've failed them, that I've lied to them, that I've taken money from them, and that I've even made them cry, but at the same time, I don't think they understand what is going on inside of me... It may have taken some time for this thing to grow, but I somehow think that what is making me not sleep, what is making me think about all of this trouble is something that strongly wants to see me move on, and grow past this. My parents don't want me doing the same things I've been doing, hanging out with the same people I was hanging out with, but that's the only life I've ever known... Those are the only people I know have ever cared about me, and it wasn't their fault I wasn't doing shit with my life, it was all my fault... And now that I say that, I feel a little more weight off of my shoulders. I feel my heart begin to get a regular rhythm, and the blood circulates through my entire body a little easier.

I know I want to go back to school and become a successful person, and if staying in on the weekends till school starts does that, then so be it... If not going out all of the time does that, then so be it... If spending all my time by myself to think about all of the pain and hurt that I've caused to not only my parents but others does it, then I bear all of the pain, but don't let this hurt anyone else anymore... My faith in God has become stronger just this week, because after I thought about what it would be like had I not been born, I realized that there was more or less a reason that I was saved that day... There was a reason that doctor saved my life. I was meant to do something great, and I have the motivation now more than ever to accomplish that goal. I have the ambition and the drive. I found that when you're at your lowest point, the only person that can help pull you out is yourself. Your faith in yourself to accomplish things you never thought possible. To help yourself, you have to have the strength to finally forgive those that have hurt you, apologize to those that you've hurt, and find out that what God does bring you to, he will bring you through, and he won't leave until you ask him to... My cleansing after the "drugs" is over... I consider myself an ex-addict... One that hurt many, but plans to instead help many, when they get to the point that I've been... I know at many points I've told my friends that my parents are crazy, when in reality the person that stares back at me in the mirror every morning and night is the one that was crazy and had the problems... All along I deserved to point that finger at myself and blame myself for all of the shit that I've done, and put myself through... I feel much better now, but wonder what others will think of it... I've never put myself out there before, but sometimes you have to be willing to before others will realize that they may be going through something similar and not know how to deal with it...

If you've made it this far, then obviously you know more than anyone about everything that has lead to why I'm in this mood. All I can say is that it's taken a lot for me to get to this point, but I am finally ready to face up to the charges against me, as horrible as they may be, just to take the pain off of the people that don't deserve it, and I've learned quite a hefty lesson from it, and don't plan on relapsing... All I have to say is I forgive you to those that have hurt me, and I beg for the forgiveness of those that I have hurt before... That's the funny thing about life... It's never too late to turn around and ask for directions... We'll See Ya...

If only one person accepts me for what I've done here, then I've accomplished something far greater than I ever intended too...