I have come to realize that what Bob Dylan said is true... "The times they are a changing..." How right he is?!?! Working in the bank all this time, and even working at the Beach Waterpark as a deep water lifeguard, I've come to see that parents have gone soft... Hell, call them pillow top, because they're SOFT!!! I don't mean they're letting their kids get away with stuff here and there, I mean they're letting them slide on EVERYTHING! I see kids lashing out like they have rights or some crap like that... All this said, lets take a trip back in time, so hop in the Delorean with me, and lets head back...
When I (we) were kids (I say we because everyone reading this is either my age or older), we didn't get away with shit, and by shit, I mean SHIT! When (if) I ever got loud with my parents like kids do these days in grocery stores, shops at the mall, etc, their parents say we're not going to get those cookies that you want... COOKIES!?!? Are you kidding me?!?! I wish to everything that's holy that's all I didn't get... If that were my parents, they don't take away cookies, or my favorite cereal (cinnamon toast crunch, lucky charms), no! In fact, they don't get it for me to begin with, but they didn't act out, or go crazy over the top like some parents, no... They let me act out, do my crying, bitching, I hate you ordeal and all they said was something simple, direct, and to the point... "Just wait till we get home..." BAM!!! That right there was enough to shut me the hell up, because you have NO IDEA what that insinuated... Hell, I didn't know what was going to happen, but point taken, I knew it was nothing that I would ever wish on myself or anyone else... Dinner taken away? Nope... Too easy... No dessert after dinner? Haha, pleeeeease... Spanking after dinner? Possibly, but not a good possibility... Pleading for my life while taking a hanger or 2 to the face? Highly likely... Yea, a hanger... Maybe a double dose of hanger and then spanking with the ole' blue wood spoon... Yea, that's right, hanger AND blue spoon (that to this day I still don't use because of instilled fear as a child)... You know the old routine, bend over dad's knee, and a quick ten piece chicken sore ass was up to order... Just when you think you're done, BAM! Hanger to the face for talking back to them... Yes, that's childhood as we (I) remember it...
Now, let me state for the record, my parents are strict, and some are lenient, but nobody's parents were as creative as mine... I remember patching walls in the old house that my mom and dad put in there from their creativity. (Engagement ring holes, stapler holes, etc...) Some parents back in the day believed that taking away Nintendo, Sega, etc would take care of the little shit outbursts that we had... In a way it did work for some of us, because in those days we all weren't lucky enough to have computers, televisions, stereos, etc in our room for quick access... Now and days, you send a kid to their room to "think about what they did or said" that just translates too "don't go outside with your friends, link up on xbox live and play with them there..." Yea, THAT'LL DO IT!!! YOU SHOWED THEM!!! If that's punishment, send me back to childhood please!
Sorry guys, we didn't have that luxury growing up... Groundings were the equivalent of jails in Mexico for us... You didn't know how long you were going to be in there, or really maybe what you were even in there for, but one thing was for sure, you had a HELL of a lot of time to figure it out... I remember when I was 7, I was in my room for over 24 hours before my parents came and got me, shit of it was, it was something my sister did and didn't have the guts to tell them, but I was on lock down, and she was able to go to the mall or some crap with her friends and I was on high risk lock down... Ain't that some shit!?!? But that entire time, I sat on my floor looking up at the ceiling thinking of things I could plot to pull on my sister that there was no way to get caught for doing... That's a lot of time to think about things, and I know, you would think that I would never do anything stupid ever again, but no, that's only in Disney movies...
Now, when you observe parents these days, they tell their kids to go to their rooms for a few minutes, to really think about what they've done... Minutes?!? Really?!? When they do this, they're enabling the kids to think about what they're going to do next, not think about what they've done... No one thinks about what they've done unless they're in jail and that's still questionable... And trust me, last time I checked, your Four Bridges home was not even relative to the jail scene... I'm not asking parents to throw their kids on a burning cross (unless.......), but a little punishment to make them question their existence would be stellar... Therefore, I've taken the notion upon myself to help you parents out! I'm starting a "If You Don't Beat Your Kids, I Will" Program... The benefits of this program outweigh the cost! The benefits, I'm going to be more or less "The Dog Whisperer" for your kids... However, I'm going to Rehabilitate you, and train your kids... When your kids return, they will practically in a general sense of the word be your slaves... You want a fresh cold beer, margarita or something of that nature, BAM! Before you even finish the sentence, it's there at your fingertips! You want the grass cut before your wife comes home and bitches at you, you bet your ass, IT'S DONE! All of these things right at your fingertips thanks to me, and a little hard work, no bitching! Your kids will be so well-behaved, you'll probably be terrified and just beat them for no reason other than for being too good... (if that's possible)! Kids need to realize these days that they are nothing but minuscule pieces of shit until they're 18, then they have rights! (certain God given, Constitutional rights that is)! But until they move out, they're at your full disposal to do what you wish, and my program instills this VERY DEEPLY into their small, not possible of handling large tasks brains! "But what about the costs?!?!" you ask? Ha, well let me let you in on a little secret, THERE IS NO COST! I know, I know, I bet your asking yourselves, "but where's the reward for you doing this?" I'll tell you where the reward is! It's in the results! It's going to the grocery store and not hearing the shrill of a little shit that just wants some oreo's (fill in your kids specialty items here). That's the reward for me!
So parents unite! It's time to take a stand against meaningless bitching and moaning! Stand up and take the time to beat your kids, and if you don't, I WILL, FOR FREE!!! Also included below, are a list of tips on how to "D.I.Y." or "Do It Yourself!!!" These topics were handed down to me (painfully) by my parents:
Hanger Face Clip: Take a hanger, any household hanger will do, hell even wood ones depending on how bad the offense. And what you want to do is make them feel like nothing TOO BAD was done and you can talk it out, then when they look away, blink, etc, you give them one to one side of the face and one to the other, and keep repeating as you deam necessary...
Five to the Face: This one is easy, and no tools of destruction necessary to instill some pain and fear, because you're utilizing a tool that you have at all times! Basically, you follow the same rules of the hanger, making them believe that nothing too bad is coming, then when they least expect it, BAM! Five reigning fingers held tightly together to form a hand of God swipe one side of the face, and also as before, repeat until relieved, or you need a cigarette, or another meaningless task taken care of around the house...
Fistful of Action: This one is easy as well, because it's also something you have with you at all times, and sometimes used for other tasks (Bar Fights) This one is also called the Fist of God! Because this one is dangerous and could cause concussions, bleeding, loss of memory, etc... The cops could become suspicious if used anywhere but around the house, so utilize this togetherness place to use this! Basically, one of these is enough to set them straight for at least a year or two... Basically, when they're yelling back at you, and telling you that they "hate" you... (If they hate you so much at age 8, tell them to move out...) then you basically cold cock them right in the jaw or side of the upper head, and blame the steps, dog, table, etc... Trust me, if you catch them mid-sentence, it even makes for a good laugh for you and your significant other! (Make a night of it if you must...)
Leg Sweep: The leg sweep, ahhhh yes... A personal favorite of mine that I plan to practice greatly... The leg sweep is just to instill a constant fear, and to let them pesky kids know that you're NOT, and I mean NOT going to ever let up, so they don't catch you slipping! This trick is easy, utilizing just your leg, and foot regions. (Timing and Secrecy are keen!) What you want to do is just periodically catch them when they're walking by, whether it's after school, after playing, regardless they don't even have to be doing something wrong, but this will let them know to never let their guard down... You can even say something after they fall to the ground and bust a lip, or nose open, something simple as "don't let me catch you slipping" to let them know you're always watching... Or something as easy as "Bitch!" But either way, it's a great way to let your kids learn that you're always watching, and they'll always keep that guard up...
These parents, are just a few ways to keep your kids stupid lives in check. They might learn to hate you over time, like maybe by the time they're 18 or so, but that's a long ways away. Remember, you made them, you can take them away just as quick! Now parents, remember, it's key to raising a well respectful child, but the way you're doing it these days is just not cutting it. If we don't catch this effort, and correct it now, it's only going to get worse from here, and we (I) can't let that happen. Also, parents, while I do appreciate a good serving of ass-whooping here and there, I don't want to have to do it for you, like I said, I'm like the dog-whisperer of children and parenthood... I want you to be the pack leader, not me AND CERTAINLY NOT YOUR KIDS!!! But I'm willing to bare that exhilaration if you don't feel up to it... So kids, watch your asses, daddies coming home, and he ain't happy! Remember one more thing, parents, if you come home, and your kid isn't crouched in the corner, guarding his head and sides, you've failed yourselves and your children as parents. Instill fear, not values and morals... Let the real world instill that crap, that's the only place you can really learn the stuff you'll need to know in life anyways... We'll See Ya!
14,756,901 children have suffered directly from the Fist of God since their parents read this blog, and I'm still smiling...
Authors Notes of Interest: Any loss of children to the welfare of children's services in direct link to reading this blog are not to be brought to the attention of the originator of this writing. Therefore, keep it in this house, and out of the sight of non-concerned parents/neighbors... All they'll do is rat anyways... Pansies...
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