Dear Diary: Welcome To My Life...

NOTE: The story you are about to read is a recollection of my life and it may be disturbing to some readers, but this is the truth, the real events that have happened throughout my life.

So from day one, life has been hard to deal with. The life of an adopted child... Adopted... What exactly is that? At age 6 you're not really thinking about the true meaning of adopted. You don't know if it means that the people that gave birth to you couldn't afford you, you were a mistake, wanted a better life for you, or something that over the course of 25 years I haven't thought of... Although at birth, there were problems, almost like God was trying to take me away before I even had a chance, and now and days, I'm starting to wonder if that is really the case, like maybe he wasn't sure if he wanted me to go out and do the things I was destined to do... There were serious complications at birth that almost took my life. Recently, after having serious problems with my parents, I've started to wake up in the middle of the night finding it harder and harder to breathe, and having trouble falling back asleep. The arguments we've been having about not going to school, wanting to go back, wasting my life away like my sister, hanging out with friends that don't go to school, smoking cigarettes, getting a DUI, being a criminal, etc have all lead to me wanting to have ended it all, and moving away and never coming back, or just ending it completely like maybe it should have been 25 years ago... After the arguments, I think about all of the shit I've done throughout my life, the good times and all of the bad, the things I've said and done to people I care about/cared about... I remember the party lifestyle I was so used to living, and going out every night and sometimes not coming home... I think about all of this on a daily basis... In some instances I think of the sleep I'm not getting, and wondering if it's my conscience attacking me for all of the stupid shit that I've put my parents through throughout my life... The one thing I've always done was blame my parents for my problems, because I never asked to be adopted, and it was simply their misfortune that I was their pick...

I admit, I wasn't the best child, but I often wonder if it's really my fault... Was there something genetic that I never knew about that made me lie to my parents over the years? Was there something that was passed to me that didn't make me want to go to college? Was there something in my genes that made me want to drink and party all of the time, or was it just my own lack of conscience and understanding? One of the many questions I often ask myself in the middle of the night as I lay there in bed, staring up at the ceiling... I was told by a friend to check out this album and I listened to one song, and metaphorically, it really hit home with me, which might explain the somber tone I have, and the disappointed stare I carry with me every day since the fights began... Let me shine a little light on the lyrics to the one song:

I've started a new diary,
and this time I have a few new reasons:
One, I have no friends left.
Two, so I can read back and remember what I did the day before,
And three, so if I die, at least I leave a nice little suicide note of my life.
It's just me and you diary
Welcome to my fucking life...
Nobody would believe the shit that happens inside my head,
it's haunted...
Now I've come down from the drugs,
it seems like a sick play
That I saw in a theater somewhere.
Thirty minutes ago I could've killed somebody,
Or better yet... Myself...

I'm not saying that in the past 10 years or so I've had thoughts of just letting go and giving up on everything, but sometimes I just wonder what my parents life would have been like without me, and just having my sister. Would my sister have fucked up her life like she did? I often wonder where else I could have been... I wonder if the reason they are the way they are is because of the stupid shit I've done, like forging their signatures when I was in elementary school, or taking money from them while pretending I was in college so I could go out and have fun, or lying to them telling them I was at a friends house house sitting and really going down to Florida to see my sister and live up my life... I wonder if the money that I spent buying all of the flashy shit that I no longer own to sell to pay my bills was really well spent... I wonder if my sister's life is fucked up because of a guy she dated in college that made her life hell and treated her like shit... I wonder if I had cared more in high school and payed attention more in college, if I would have done better or finished school and worked for P&G for a couple of years now like my friends... My mind really is haunted since the fights began... I've worked on the lies since... Which brought up another song that I listened too... Just to let you know, it's from Nikki Sixx that used to play for Motley Crue and had a serious heroine problem, and his CD logs him quitting his habit, and how his life goes through hell, and this is another exert, and again, I didn't do drugs in life, well, these drugs, but like I said, it's a metaphor, my drug was lying to my parents:

Day one. Dope free.
I went to the clinic today and got the first dose of methadone.
I'm out of dope so I threw away all my rigs.
Day two. I can't believe it's been two days without junk.
Fucking smack, it just ruins peoples' lives.
At first it seems so sweet, then you wake up next to a monster...
Day three. I haven't had anything for three days now...
This withdrawal is killing me...
It's like shock therapy to my guts...
Day four. Last visit to the clinic...
My whole body feels like it's cracking into pieces...
Fragile doesn't even come close to describing how I feel....
Day five-- I'm sick as a dog, but this handful of painkillers and a lotta whiskey's gonna get me through....
Day six-- When I'm left to my own devices I go fucking insane.
I'll never use heroin again...
Day seven-- I can't believe I'm clean!
Day eight-- Everyone says I look better...
Day nine-- The parasites are panicking...
Day ten-- They seem amazed that I'm alive!

Everything will be okay...
Everything will be alright...
If I can get away from her...
And save my worthless life...
Everything will be okay...
Everything will be alright...
If I can get away from her...
And save my worthless life.

It's amazing to see that even one day without lying to my parents gets me nowhere, and I often question why, but at the same time, I don't have an answer because I spent 25 years lying to them, sometimes about the smallest shit. And now they're at the point that they don't believe a word I say... Even if I were to tell them that the grass is green and the sky is blue, seems like a small struggle to tell the truth... I bring out this blog now because holding this inside of me is creating a demon that I no longer wish to conceal. I would say that for awhile, I had a problem. I wake up every morning to my mother calling me a criminal and yelling at my dad for trying to convince her that I'm not because of a stupid mistake I've made... I've spent many nights below the vents of my parents room, laying on my bed hearing my mom cry about how much she wishes I would have turned out better, and not failed her like I did... About how much she wishes she could have had her own kids, but glad she adopted because she couldn't... But now sometimes wonders if adopting was the right choice, because all she wanted was to give her kids the best life possible, and all we did was fuck it up and take advantage of them... I wake up every morning knowing I've let everyone down, thinking I have no real friends, and no one that truly loves me, and sometimes wonder if I can ever make anything of myself that my parents could be proud of... As I sit here, I don't know whether to break down and cry, or try to take a positive look at all of the negative, and fix the 25 years that I've broken... I often have flashes of my life where I knew I was doing something stupid that I shouldn't be doing, but did it because it was fun, not because I was pressured... I knew pulling out of the bar that night that I shouldn't drive home, but I did, and I paid for it, and will pay for it for the next couple of years... I hate knowing that I've failed them, that I've lied to them, that I've taken money from them, and that I've even made them cry, but at the same time, I don't think they understand what is going on inside of me... It may have taken some time for this thing to grow, but I somehow think that what is making me not sleep, what is making me think about all of this trouble is something that strongly wants to see me move on, and grow past this. My parents don't want me doing the same things I've been doing, hanging out with the same people I was hanging out with, but that's the only life I've ever known... Those are the only people I know have ever cared about me, and it wasn't their fault I wasn't doing shit with my life, it was all my fault... And now that I say that, I feel a little more weight off of my shoulders. I feel my heart begin to get a regular rhythm, and the blood circulates through my entire body a little easier.

I know I want to go back to school and become a successful person, and if staying in on the weekends till school starts does that, then so be it... If not going out all of the time does that, then so be it... If spending all my time by myself to think about all of the pain and hurt that I've caused to not only my parents but others does it, then I bear all of the pain, but don't let this hurt anyone else anymore... My faith in God has become stronger just this week, because after I thought about what it would be like had I not been born, I realized that there was more or less a reason that I was saved that day... There was a reason that doctor saved my life. I was meant to do something great, and I have the motivation now more than ever to accomplish that goal. I have the ambition and the drive. I found that when you're at your lowest point, the only person that can help pull you out is yourself. Your faith in yourself to accomplish things you never thought possible. To help yourself, you have to have the strength to finally forgive those that have hurt you, apologize to those that you've hurt, and find out that what God does bring you to, he will bring you through, and he won't leave until you ask him to... My cleansing after the "drugs" is over... I consider myself an ex-addict... One that hurt many, but plans to instead help many, when they get to the point that I've been... I know at many points I've told my friends that my parents are crazy, when in reality the person that stares back at me in the mirror every morning and night is the one that was crazy and had the problems... All along I deserved to point that finger at myself and blame myself for all of the shit that I've done, and put myself through... I feel much better now, but wonder what others will think of it... I've never put myself out there before, but sometimes you have to be willing to before others will realize that they may be going through something similar and not know how to deal with it...

If you've made it this far, then obviously you know more than anyone about everything that has lead to why I'm in this mood. All I can say is that it's taken a lot for me to get to this point, but I am finally ready to face up to the charges against me, as horrible as they may be, just to take the pain off of the people that don't deserve it, and I've learned quite a hefty lesson from it, and don't plan on relapsing... All I have to say is I forgive you to those that have hurt me, and I beg for the forgiveness of those that I have hurt before... That's the funny thing about life... It's never too late to turn around and ask for directions... We'll See Ya...

If only one person accepts me for what I've done here, then I've accomplished something far greater than I ever intended too...

3 Steps I Take To Handle An Angry Customer:

Some of you may consider my job dangerous, some boring, some just wasting time till the weekend while making beer money, but regardless, my job to me is intense. Intense in the sense that every day there is a customer that tries to make/break our day. Now, I have 5 1/2 almost 6 years of experience in this line of work, so it's quite humorous when someone gets upset, and blows up at me, and tries to "break down my spirit..." I do admire the effort on most people's parts, but I have to admit, I have quite a strong skin built up from all of the bullshit I've put up with over the years.

Yesterday for instance, I had a customer, that quite possibly came from that lower, small part of Kentucky, you know that part that doesn't really get out much? Yea, that part, and he came in to cash a check, but didn't have an account with National City (my bank), and in that sense, we charge $10 to cash it, that's our policy, not mine, but like I said, it's policy. The check was for $50.00. Yes, $50.00. I told him the policy, and from there, it became a situation of dealing with McD (for those that don't know my old roommate, he used to repeat everything you or him said about 30 times which really really REALLY exhausted the fact of what you said). (Enter said asshole customer #1). Here's the dialogue:

Customer: "10 DOLLARS!?!? EVEN IF THE CHECK IS DRAWN OFF OF YOUR BANK?!?!"

Me: "Yes, I'm sorry sir, but it's our policy..."

Customer: "THAT'S A BULLSHIT FUCKING POLICY IF YOU ASK ME... OTHER BANKS ONLY CHARGE $8.00 AND THAT'S ENOUGH IF YOU ASK ME!!! BUT 10 FUCKING DOLLARS?!?!"

Me: "Yes, do you bank elsewhere currently?"

Customer: "Yea, and that's fucking why! Well go ahead and charge me the $10 but I'm going to tell my friend that wrote me the check and he's going to get really pissed off and reimburse me!"

Me: "That's one option..."

Customer: "I could understand $8, but $10 is just fucking ridiculous!!! $10... pffffftttttttt"

Me: ".......Sorry, but that's the policy"

Customer: "Most charges only charge $8, but $10, that's fucking crazy!!!"

Me: ".........Have a good day"

Upon exiting, he managed to poop out one more loud "Fucking Ridiculous!" before he made it back to his work truck, or mobile home on wheels, I'm still up in the air about it...

That's just one instance, on one day, of almost 6 years of work... Trust me, I say thick skin, I mean thick skin... However, today, I must say that I was clearly blown out of the water. Usually I only like to tell a story about a customer if it happens to me, but today, the victim was Viktoriya. Thank God Viktoriya has tough skin too, but she's Russian, so it's a given. A customer, to which we'll call Oug Orns, to conceal his identity, came in. This guy has an extensive background with getting upset over petty shit. Regardless, he came in today while I was at lunch. Viktoriya was the only teller, and had 2 customers she was already helping, and within 15 seconds of waiting in line, he was FURIOUS! Viktoriya was helping a customer that is one of the nicest customers we have, and he's rather old, so time is taken up helping him, but he gladly told Oug that he would step aside and let her take care of him. But he said it's bullshit that he has to wait. He said he "doesn't wait for tellers!"

Now, after getting frisky and yelling at not only Viktoriya, but one of our customers about taking too long, and him having to wait, he got involved with another customer that gave him lip about having to wait and how it's sad that he's getting upset and that he needs to reevaluate his life. I found this funny. After the whole situation, he ends up threatening to close his accounts but doesn't do so... Later on today, he calls to complain to me, because I was at lunch and not around at the time, and he complains to me, refers to everyone here as "asses" and says we treated him poorly, and "in his opinion, we're losing a valuable customer..." I beg to differ... The only thing that could have made the whole thing funnier was definitely talking about himself in third person...

Therefore, I've come to this model of dealing with an angry customer:

Step 1.) Verbal Warning - In a verbal warning, you make the customer aware that they are getting out of line, and not staying in their lane. If the trouble persists, please continue to step 2.

Step 2.) Fist To Jaw - In a Fist To Jaw maneuver, it's simply what it says... A fist to the jaw is a priceless move to catch a customer off guard. In most cases, they have a glass one, and it's going to shatter recklessly, and rather quickly... If there's still movement, move to ground assault with kicks to the sides and stomach, sure to take away all methods of breathing.

Step 3.) Call 911 - Calling 911 will insure quick response by an ambulance to disperse of the body that is now bagged and tagged by you, the CSR from Hell... Then thank them for their continued business.... BITCH!

Note: Any action taken seriously by said reader during the course of his/her work day is not in direct correspondence to this blog. The said blogger in no way/shape/or form encourages this action to be taken, but would in fact find it funny to see. Please see workplace rules and regulations to decide your proper course of action, as shitty as it may be...

UPDATE!

FOUND YOU BIOTCH!!!!!

This new's just in, Hoopes has found Waldo...

We'll See Ya!

1 person laughed when they first read this... The others are pissed because they still don't know where he's at...

These Are The People I Come In Contact With...

So I'm sitting at work pondering my next great move, and probably my favorite thing to do during the wee hours of the morning that I'm at work, figure out what the hell I'm going to eat for lunch... I'm sitting and thinking of everything in the area, and I whiff mention of someone say Skyline, although they were talking about the Texas Skyline in Dallas or something, but all I tuned into was Skyline, the Cincinnati Chili! So I coerce myself into heading to skyline for some 3-way and cheese coney action, I know I know, good choice Hoopes, thanks, I appreciate it! So I'm happy as a fag with a bag full of dicks thinking about how Skyline is going to hit the spot! (Your welcome Rick for using your buddy's line there)... So I pull up, and get something I usually don't get when I pull into fast food drive thru's. "Thanks for choosing skyline, please give us just a second." I'm puzzled, I look ahead, and there's no other cars in the drive thru. Thoroughly confused, 2 minutes go by, and I'm really starting to question my choice of lunch. So finally "the voice" we'll call him returned to reign havoc on the very sacred part of my day. "Welcome to Skyline, would you like to try a....." I had to cut him off at this point and say no, "I would just like a 3-way and 2 cheese coney's NO ONIONS, NO MUSTARD..." I put that part in caps because that is very important to the story, so more or less it's foreshadowing. Anyways, continue on the quest here... So after about another minute of radio silence, he says he'll have my total at the second window, now this also confused me, because a.) there's only one window, and b.) there's only one window... So I pull up to the window to where I come into contact with something that truly made me question my lunch choice:

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not against hiring "special people" for restaurants, but correct me if I'm wrong, but they usually have people standing there to ensure quality assurance. Well guess what? No such luck here... So I keep my composure, and he takes my debit card for payment, and I'm thinking I hope he doesn't eat it or something thinking it's a cracker or something, because yes, I'm an asshole like that sometimes, but thank God for that, no such luck. So about 5 minutes later, I get my card, a plethora of receipts for some reason, and my bag of food. I thank him and light up a square because of the pain and torment of 30 minutes of my lunch gone, so I'm trying to relax now. So I drive the 2 seconds back to the hell (the branch) and sit down to enjoy my lunch (so I thought)... I open the Styrofoam box that beholds the treasure that is that sacred to me. Sure as shit, the onion stench that I did whiff wasn't that of a smell that had just marinated onto my box, but rather IN my box... Apparently, "the voice" thought that by NO ONIONS, I meant EVERY MOTHER FUCKING ONION YOU HAVE IN THE ENTIRE SKYLINE CORPORATION! And by NO MUSTARD, I MEANT SMOTHER THEM SHITS IN EVERY DROP OF MUSTARD THAT YOU POSSIBLY CAN!!! It's not that I'm allergic to these items or anything of that nature, but I just don't like the taste that is portrayed from these very items together with my hot dog and bun combo. Hence, NO ONIONS, NO MUSTARD! Which brings me to my next conclusion: Don't get me wrong, I'm totally for equal opportunity employment, but REALLY?!?! During lunch? Why not have them work at McDonald's at 1 or 2 am when the only people coming through are HAMMERED ass drunk and wouldn't know if you gave me a McChicken or a McPube sandwich!?!? I mean, seriously... This is a lunch rush hour, and you got 30 minutes for one quick order... Might as well have a Senior Citizen or a Stoner working like usual, but then you run into this:

So really, if you think about it, unless I work at McDonalds again, there will be no "Fast Food" just Slow and retarded... And with that comment, I just advanced 10 places in line in hell... What a glorious feeling that is...

So onto the next story of my life. Those that know me know that I drive a little Honda Civic coupe. It's a nice shade of red, and one that you know, a regular driver would be able to see, you know, unlike a camouflage car. However, I've come to notice that hummer drivers find my car EXTREMELY hard to find on the road. This humores me, because I can't miss your GINORMOUS banana fucking HUMMER driving down the street! It's bad enough your gas guzzling piece of shit takes up both sides of the street, but when you are just cutting people off because you think you can, if makes it kind of hard to deal with you... Literally, this is the view I had from my windshield:

Of course this wasn't really the license plate, it was something like mysclade or some crap, regardless it was something that didn't matter, and I could care less about, but the fact that he almost took off the front end of a car that I care much for (because I still owe $17,000 on), I had to make myself alittle more known. I stuck my head out the window at the next light and gave him a piece of what he deserved... Probably not the smartest idea to tell someone that if they ever do that stupid shit again, you take out that which is the most important to them, because I meant the Hummer, and he probably thought of his family or some crap, but judging from his doucheness, he probably knew it was his Hummer too... Regardless, yesterday sucked in every aspect of the word, except for the fact that I did make a new, good friend, and that was probably the highlight of my day, besides the guys face in the hummer, because I had to talk through my sunroof to him up there in his 20 foot lift, so I'm sure it looked funny, but he must have known that I meant business... I'm going to start making stickers that say, "my other car is a penis, because I'm gay and love to ride" and anytime someone pulls a stupid maneuver on the road like this douchebag pulled, I'm going to follow them to home/work/etc, and I'm going to stick it somewhere where you don't notice it, but everyone else driving out there knows that you did something stupid, and you're undeserving of driving abilities...

I'm done venting now, and I totally feel better now, so we now return to your regularly scheduled boring life! We'll See Ya

3,017 Hummer owners just stopped their subscription to my blog because they realized I'm a dick and I hate Hummer owners after reading this blog...

Volleyball 2009 - The Year Of Change... And Injuries Of Course...

As you all know, with warm weather, comes responsibility... Responsibility to your team that is... Spring is in the air, and in most of our steps, now that volleyball season 2 is here. I know, there's no Tiki Bar, or construction netting up just yet, but just wait, it'll be coming soon. I do have to admit, when I received the text announcing "the net is up!" at 6:30 on Tuesday night, I had a hard on... So yesterday, Sunday, March 22nd, 2009 was the first pre-season game. We had a crowd of 9, some noobs, and of course, the Vets...

It started off as any other day, minus the excitement of actually having fun and being productive on a weekend day... Usually Sunday's are spent doing absolutely nothing but watching movie marathons of Godfather on AMC, but not today... Not this day... This day was spent with that special class of people that are only on the court for a few things, good digs, nice up's, and "RISKY'S" flowing like the scummy pond water that is our life... I do have to admit, that you could smell volleyball in the air before even turning into the McCauley Apartment lot. The air just smelled good, and hell, tasted even better once your feet hit the sand... (And if you're Cubs, then a lot more than just your feet are hitting the sand...) The sand was cool, then sun was warm, and the pond water, well, still had herpesyphaghonareus (to which the Jap, Brotha B, and Snaps all 3 contracted, but Snaps and Brotha B had much more serious cases.) Before the games even started, we had our roasting session about how bad the other team was going to desecrate the other, and that's even before we picked teams. Teams were picked, and we were off to the races, but not before I said "how much you guys wanna bet that Cubbie gets hurt first???" Well guess what, a bang knee to the ankle sent him down to the ground almost as hard as last years ocular cavity blast from Keirs Air to Ground Missile... Cubs went down hard, and a lot of swelling and temporary ice cold beer icing later, he was back up doing the stanky legg all over the court, and that's the true dedication that Tuesday night volleyball brings! (Although Cubs spends more time on his back on the that court that you might actually confuse him Jenna Jameson...)

All in all, during the course of our games, we did manage to shake the rust off, play some rough games, break some spirits, yell obscenities, get dirty, have a blast, drink some beers, smoke some squares, and bullshit like always... One hell of a productive Sunday, and after the games, when the dust settled, we realized, it's only 2 days till the season opener... I think if I had to write a book about my life, I would title it "I Hope They Have Sand Volleyball In Hell" because there's nothing better, and I'll still be with all my friends once I get there! So if you find your life boring and in need of a boost, then duck down and play you some, just remember the password, "Volley at McCauley" and you're in... We'll See Ya!

5,452,807 people are looking for more excitement in their lives, but don't know where McCauley apartments are and are too embarassed to ask anyone...

YAY!

UPDATE: IT'S VOLLEYBALL SEASON BITCHES!!!!

HOW'S THAT FOR A NEW BLOG AMBER!?!?!

6,001 people now have this picture as their wallpaper...

Did You Catch The Last Episode Of American Idol??? NOPE! Here's A Recap Of Everything You Missed... NOTHING, YAY!!!

So apparently there's a huge "phenomenon" going on, and it's called American Idol... Not to be confused with an old John Travolta film, because unlike American Idol, that was good... American Idol seems to control (plague) every television set in America, it's almost like the television automatically turns on when this sad sack of crap they call "the most popular show on television" comes on... Well guess what? NOT AT MY HOUSE! Everyone's so crammed up the ass of American Idol it's sickening... It's so bad that guys are actually using this show as a pick up line... "Hey, did you see who got cut last week on Idol? I can't believe it, I thought he/she was so talented!" Oh really? Lets see how talented these "characters" are:



In the year 2002, this show (if we should call it that) was released. It "swept the nation" like Obama's plague of an inauguration. It's sickening how stuck up people are on this crap, but the funny thing is, the winner of every season is given a bunch of money, and a record contract. That's good and all, but how many of these past 7 years winners have amounted to anything other than a maggot:



Beginning with season one winner: Kelly Clarkson.


There's no doubt that Kelly Clarkson is hot, and she was at first, but since has put on weight, although she's losing and gaining with every video I tend to catch on my "jump start" on VH1 every morning. Recently, she's had some catchy tunes, but her thoughts on hating men and so on and so forth in her songs is just getting old and boring... Maybe stop trying to date all of the Hollywood drama queen guys and date a regular guy, they're much more promising... All in all, Kelly Clarkson is one of the select few to amount to anything more than a "has been" from American Idol... She still show's promise, but needs some new song idea's...



Next on the chopping block: Rubben Studdard.



If anyone's going to be sorry for 2004 and beyond for that matter, it's you Rubben. First off, you're terrible. I know you're going for that whole I'm a huge teddy bear routine, but where'd you go? No one's seen or heard from you in a long time... Speaking of time, you're probably doing some with all the flashiness that you brought to yourself. Your best hit song was "I'm sorry for 2004" (as you should be), and I wouldn't go far as to call it a hit as I would a blooper. You're a big smudge on the billboard that needs to be erased... You haven't done anything productive in 5 years, and you probably never will, and I guarantee your prize money is well and gone... Way to go, bet you thought buying a huge house and a couple of Benz's would take you far, but as a matter of fact, I think I saw you on an episode of Repo! Way to go buddy, real smart!




Next! Fantasia Barrino:



Who? What is this a Disney movie? I've never heard a song by this broad, and further, wouldn't probably want to hear anything, because if you haven't heard it by now, it's probably not going to be that good anyways... By the way, it must feel pretty salty not even making the "one hit wonder" list... But on the bright side, you might make the cut for some future show on VH1, like "I Won American Idol But Never Amounted To Shit!" Good luck to you!




Next On The List, Carrie Underwood:

Now, let me clarify, although she won American Idol, she is a.) HOT, b.) HOT, and c.) Very talented! She's gorgeous, smart and has an amazing voice, and thank God she left that American Idol scene for real music, COUNTRY! She is the root of Jason Aldean's song "Country Girl!" I have no beef with Carrie Underwood, because after 3 years, she managed to make a great name for herself, and was invited to join an elite group that is The Grand Ole' Opry! Congrats to you, and keep it country'!!!

Next! Taylor Hicks:

Did George Clooney and Jay Leno sleep together and have an illegitimate child that they later named Taylor Hicks? Come on! How old are you? Like 70? Peppered hair isn't cool, except for maybe the Hair Club for Men guys before they use the product... By the way, what have you been spending your time doing besides not pursuing your music career? Oh yea, you've been doing even gayer things than finding your new hair do! You're in the new production of Grease, the play... That's cool! Good luck with the rest of your dancing Lillie ass friends, you fag! Go Grease Lightning!

Geez, does this need to continue? Next, Jordin Sparks:

One step at a time you say? Yea, seems like you're running rather quickly out of the music scene... You can have your one hit, Vanilla Ice did, so it's only fair... The only thing you have to look forward to is a VH1 show with your friend Fantasia... Maybe you should take things one step at a time, and try to find a job because obviously your music career isn't working out well since you only have that one song that still, for some estranged reason still plays on the radio... Good luck on VH1 FAILURE!!!

And lastly, David Cook:

Quite possibly my favorite of all... A great story behind this guy... Mr. I'm just a guy that used to work at a bar that decided to give it my all and clown the world into believing I really have talent! Good job, you completed that, but apparently everyone wanted that David Autisticlatia or whatever his name is to win, but somehow you got Paula's vote, and no one wants to argue with that crackhead... You're just a Daughtry wanna be... Here's an idea, stick to the Emo Bar Scene look that fits you so well... Nice scarf, did you sew that with all the extra time you had off from American Idol? By the way, I'll have a Miller Lite, you douche and make it snappy!!!

So there it is America! 2 winners out of 7 that have made something of themselves, and only one that I will fully endorse! So who's going to win this years American Idol? I would tell you, but I don't want to ruin it, but this year is looking promising, so it's probably the douche that dresses Emo like our boy David Cook! America! Get away from your DVR and let it go, watch some real TV, and relax! Get off the TV Dick that is screwing America! Your vote doesn't count, just like it didn't count in the recent election... Good job! YOU SUCK!!! At least you have a friend that sucks too! American Idol!!!