My Own Worst Enemy...

"You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain."

Every time that I close my eyes, I'm haunted with visions of things I've done in my life. Whether it's a lie that I've told, or something I've said to someone to hurt them. I've recently been trying to shut down these things by trying to get my mind onto other things, but the visions keep coming. Each time a different memory, each time more pain... It seems as though karma is here to show me what I've done and make me pay for the things that I've accomplished. I look back on a life filled with painful deceit, lies, tragedy, and simple happiness. I am flashed visions of the way that I've treated people, and it hurts to know that I could have done/said that. I don't know why these visions are visiting me now. Maybe it's because I'm hurting because of the way I'm being treated, possibly because I've met myself in the opposite form. I've been let down, hurt, and lied to, and it has forced me to think of the things that I've done, the exact same things to other people in the past. The thing is, I never thought anything of it at the time... I have slowly become my own worst enemy. I'm in a slump that I just can't seem to get out of, because I don't know where to start. All this time, I just thought of it as a game. I thought life was some kind of game that I could just master after much game play, and it would all work itself out. However, now I feel that I have dug this hole that I will never work my way out of. I know I have great friends here, and I have a job, a nice car, and a lot of good things going for me, but at the same time, I have failed the one person that I had never given much concern to... Myself...

It really is true after I thought about it. Some people don't do things to be logical. They just want to watch the world around them burn. I'm a product of that. I did everything possible to make myself happy, sacrificing other people's feelings, thoughts, etc. All just to get anything and everything I wanted. During that course of action, I sacrificed everything that I ever wanted to become, which is why I'm sitting here miserable, and barely able to stand the sight of myself. My thoughts are jaded, confusing, and troublesome. I sit here at work barely able to think of some of the things that I've done. I'm so mad at one person right now because they just led me on, but at the same time, I've done that to plenty of girls, so who am I to judge? I don't even know what I'm trying to get out of this, but I'm over this sense of pride that I carried with me for so long. I don't exactly know how to accomplish what I'm looking to accomplish, but there's no better time than now to try to figure it out. Having nothing but yourself allows you to have a lot of time to think things that aren't right in your life over. There is no doubt in my mind that when you lead someone on, there is no worse feeling, because it's the feeling of unexpectedness, and lack of clarity that hurts the most. You wait for a call or text, and you don't get anything... You want to call, but don't want to be over-pursuant... The whole things just sucks, and it took me to go through it myself to understand what I was doing. All that I know is that I never want to go through it again, because I'm still getting over it. As Dent said "the night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promise you, the dawn is coming..." And I believe it...