A Look Back... Asking If There's Regrets...

Note: If you're looking for the Book Title Voting Booth, Please look back 2 blogs, and that's where you'll find it, and VOTE!

As for this blog, I plan to be alittle more serious...

As I sit in what is my cell more or less, I look back through facebook photos of the past 2 or so years and look at my life. I sit here at my computer, looking out the window as it pours down rain. Reminiscing on past photo's, memories, friends, etc. I think about all of the times that I've passed out in the parking lot of Brazenhead. I think about the times I've bought beer and such for friends that were in need. I think about the times that I've been drunk and decided that I'm good enough to drive home. I think about the times that I've laughed when my friends ask if I'm ok to drive, and I simply reply, "we'll see I guess..." All the while, I'm listening to a song by Thriving Ivory called "Angels On The Moon."

Do you dream , that the world will know your name?

So tell me your name. (Tell me your name.)

Do you care, about all the little things or anything at all?

(Anything at all.)

I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside I wanna feel. (I wanna feel.)

I want a sunburn, just to know that I'm alive...

To know I'm alive. (To know I'm alive.)

Don't tell me if I'm dyin, cause I don't wanna know.

If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go.

Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon.

Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon.

Do you believe, in the day that you were born?

Tell me do you believe. (Do you believe.)

And Do you know, that every day's the first of the rest of your life.

Don't tell me if I'm dyin, cause I don't wanna know.

If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go.

Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon.

Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon.

This is to one last day in the shadows.

And to know a brother's love.

This is to New York City angels.

And the rivers of our blood.

This is to all of us, to all of us.

So don't tell me if I'm dyin, cause I don't wanna know.

If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go.

Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon.

Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon.

Yeah, you can tell me all your thoughts, about the stars that fill polluted skies.

And show me where you run to, when no one's left to take your side.

But don't tell me where the road ends, cause I just don't wanna know,

No I don't wanna know.

Don't tell me if I'm dyin.

Don't tell me if I'm dyin.

It's funny, because I sit here, and remember all of these crazy, drunken times in my life, and I just laugh, because there's no doubt that I had a blast. There's not a question in my mind that I was an awesome beer ponger, or a great flip cupper, or even an amazing and up and coming beer baller, and there's no doubt that people I bought beer for thought I was a God at drinking games, but I sit here and ask myself, was it all worth where I am now?

All that I can say is absolutely... Now I sit here, on a sense of house arrest, and just think about all the fun I've had, and all the money I've spent on something that I thought made me happy, and cool, and fun... I realize what a jerk I was at times, and what a nut I was at some parties, and what a jackass I was when I said certain things to people because I was drunk... I sit here and think about had I not gotten the D.U.I., would I be sitting here at my computer typing a blog, or would I be getting dressed after a shower, to get out of the house and go to Brazenhead, or Cubby's to drink beers and pre-game to go to the bar later, or McCauley's, or wherever else... Would I still be sitting here, thinking about what I could be doing to myself? Had I not gotten in trouble, would I still be sitting here... The answer is no... I would be focused solely on who I'm meeting up with, and where we're going to drink... I wouldn't be thinking about the repercussions of the alcoholic tendencies I had at that point. It's funny, because the former alcoholic that talked at my diversion program said you'll know that you changed when you're sitting down at home, after not having drank for awhile, and ask yourself, it's 7:20 on a Friday night, what am I doing tonight??? And there's no answer, but you know you're not going to hit the bottles, or the bars... So I asked myself... It's 7:30 on a Friday night, what am I going to do tonight??? All I came up with was television, maybe a movie, maybe reading my book, maybe writing my book, but I know one thing, I'm not going out to the bars... And for the first time in a long time, I'm happy... But then again, I'm depressed... I see and hear my friends that are younger talking about how they're having a huge party, and they can't wait to go out and get drunk, and they are living the life I lived 2 or 3 or 4 years ago, and as much as I want to tell them where it's going to lead them, I can't... I find people understand better when they live through it, then when they just hear about it... I found out the hard way, and since, I've been saving my money, because I don't smoke cigarette's anymore, I don't go to the bars, I don't drink anymore for God's sake! Not even for God's sake, for my sake! It's an amazing feeling knowing that I've left that part of my life behind me, and not just because I can't drive, because I could sneak out and have someone pick me up and return right to that part of my life, but I don't want to. I've come to the realization that there's so much more to life than bars, and drinking, and smoking, and being dumb and adolescent. Of all people that I didn't think would ever attempt, or let alone get a good start on writing a book it would be myself... My friends still text/email/call me and ask me if I'm serious about writing this book, and it's funny, because I'm finished with my introduction and 2 chapters, and it's already about 20 - 25 pages, and there's still plenty more to go!

I know now what I'm capable of doing, and being great doesn't seem that far away. I'm not expecting my book to be the next New York Times Best Seller by any means, but I do want people to realize, from someone who's been there, that there really is more to life than partying... You just have to seek it out, you have to want to change, otherwise it's like the 200 other times I've tried to quit smoking. You have to really want to change, and not for someone else, you have to want to change for yourself. You don't have to turn to faith like people say, although it might help you, but you have to change you for you, if that makes sense. But I really hope that people see this, and I really hope that people turn to themselves for help, and try to be a better person. Coming from a person that's been there, trust me, life is so much better now than it was before. At times, I do miss my friends, because they're not alcoholics, but they do enable behaviors that I don't wish to continue, but I just have to take some time to strengthen myself before I return, but when I do, I have no problem being the D.D., because if you really care for your friends, you'll be willing to do that. You have to be willing to take their keys, give them a place to crash, call them a cab, but whatever you do, you have to be strong and overcome! I'm sure a lot of you are thinking what the hell is wrong with me, but trust me, I learned so much from my 72 hours locked up at my diversion program, and so much that I want to tell others, so there it is! Be strong, overcome the power of the addiction of alcohol, and learn to use it responsibly!

So if someone asks me if I regret what I did in my past, I only have one answer for you, no way! What I did was fun, and one hell of a costly learning experience, but you ask me if I'd do it again, I'd say one time around was good enough for me. I would definitely have changed things, I would definitely take my friends keys a lot more often than when I did, and I would thank my friends that took my keys when they knew I wasn't good. I just hope that my younger friends see this, and make the change before they screw up their lives, become alcoholics, etc... There's not a doubt in my mind that drinking is fun, for me it was fun, but now it's all about responsibility, and I have one responsibility, and that's to making my life better for myself, and that's what I plan on doing, and that's who I plan to do it for... Trust me, I wasn't forced to write this as part of my diversion program, ask anyone, things have changed, and so has my life. I must say, when you change, you'll know it, and you'll feel so much better about your life...

We'll See Ya...

If 1 person reads this and feels like changing, then I have succeeded in a goal that I set for myself...